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July 09, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The latest heat wave caused the tarmac at Washington, D.C.'s Reagan National Airport to melt. Planes were taking off so slowly it was like JFK during normal weather.


In related news, meteorologists predict the heat wave will break after Sunday. Though it's a win-win since if it doesn't, everything will just catch fire anyhow.


Speaker of the House John Boehner told an audience of Republican donors, "Americans probably aren't going to fall in love with Mitt Romney." Adding, "But becoming poor hasn't bothered them as much as we predicted either."


Syria's Bashar Assad accused America of working with terrorists. He also demanded to see Barack Obama's birth certificate.


Afghanistan is set to receive $16 billion in donations but only if it can show the money wouldn't be affected by corruption. In other news, Afghanistan will not be receiving $16 billion in donations. 


Actor Ernest Borgnine passed away Sunday at age 95. Borgnine was best known for his roles in "McHale's Navy," "Marty" and the inspiration for Jack-o-Lanterns. 


Mickey Mouse visited North Korea and put on a show for Kim Jong-un. North Koreans said they'll never understand America's fascination with talking food items. 


Winnie the Pooh also performed in North Korea. North Koreans were confused however as to why no one was helping their leader get the honeypot off his head. 


Police apprehended a former English teacher turned naked carjacker in Arizona. Apparently they caught him hiding in the rye. 


Jennifer Lopez is developing a drama about a lesbian couple who adopt a daughter.  Because the last project she did involving lesbians was just too successful.


A father is being accused of giving a girl $21 to beat up another girl who was bullying his daughter. And because of the price, he's also being accused of taking advantage of a horrible bargainer.