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October 30, 2011

Back with another edition of update jokes, Hermain Cain right?

A stuntman was killed on the set of “The Expendables 2” this week. It’s unfortunate, as he chose that role over the new George Clooney flick: “Securely Fastened Harness 3”

A Florida woman was arrested this week after trying to kill her husband twice while he was napping. And you can help by sponsoring this man, for as little as the price of a cup of coffee a day

A lawyer from Queens was released from an Egyptian prison, after being held in captivity for 6 months. The men who freed him decided to play a prank on him, and told him that his beloved Mets had won the World Series. His rescuers then finally came clean, told him that the whole thing had been a big joke...and brought him back to prison.

A man called the police on his mistress and tried to pass her off as a burglar this week, after his wife came home early from a business trip. It would have worked too, but these were the cops he called

A California company has released a new app for the iPhone that promotes slow breathing for health benefits. It comes a little late, since Steve Jobs had already downloaded their “Do Not Resuscitate” app

A long time editor for the show “Kate plus 8” has been arrested on child porn charges. I’m surprised they didn’t catch him sooner, my girlfriend already caught me “editing” twice this morning

A township in Kentucky is auctioning off a historical bridge to the public next month, as it is no longer able to handle the increase in traffic volume. No word yet if David Stern will make an offer so he can burn it

President Obama said in a speech recently that he had accomplished 60% of what he had promised in his 2008 campaign, and that he keeps a checklist of his promises in his pocket at all times. Senator John McCain was critical of the speech saying he wouldn’t have needed to keep a checklist in his pocket, mainly because that’s where he keeps all his hard candy to give to children.

Tim Tebow finally started a game for Denver this Sunday, ushering in “Tebow Time” to the NFL. And in case you’re wondering, this is now what all Broncos fans say, right before they masturbate

After the Asian markets rallied last week, Governor Rick Perry was asked to pick a stock that U.S. companies could emulate to gain success. Perry couldn’t choose just one, as he explained “all those stocks look alike to me”

A Brooklyn bus service run by Orthodox Jews has garnered criticism, as they force women to sit in the back of the bus. The trend started when the bus driver forced his own mother to go to the back of the bus, after she wouldn’t stop reminding him, that her other son, was a doctor

Occupy Wall Street protestors have become upset at people selling merchandise at the protest, saying it goes against their message. Items being sold include Occupy Wall Street condoms, which the protestors are encouraging people not to use. So finally, a message that the youth of America are going to hear loud and clear!

Nintendo announced it had its worst quarter in history, suffering huge operating losses. They didn’t specify the cause of the losses, but I’m going to guess it’s because Nintendo’s mom made him let his little brother play

Recent health reports show that smoking kills 100% of Presidential campaigns

Herman Cain defended his unorthodox campaign video, saying it was a success since everyone on the internet saw it. So get ready for the dream ticket this election: “Cain/Scarlett Johansson’s Boobs 2012!!!”

Cain referenced the video and said that he would bring a sense of humour to The White House. Well he’s got one thing right: it’s going to be hilarious when Obama orders Godfather’s Pizza for his victory party!!

For Fat Neil Update, I'm Fat Neil, Goodnight, and #PopPop!!!