Below is a recap from The Bachelor episode from 2-29-16, the one with The Fantasy Suites. Spoilers, obviously.
There are only three women left! It’s Caila, the sex panther; Lauren, the plain blonde; and Jojo, the fun one with the crazy family. This week everyone is in Jamaica! Not only are they on an island paradise, but this week are the overnight dates! Ben and the women can finally get some one-on-one time away from the cameras to get freaky in the Fantasy Suites! Mmmm hmmm. Sexual healing! Boom boom. Sha-wing. Phew, OK. I need to relax.
1. Caila Is Too Quiet To Love
The first Jamaican date is with sweet sweet Caila. They go out on a bamboo raft and have nothing to talk about. Now is not the time to feel anxious and quiet. A sad score and barely five minutes into the show we can tell that Caila is headed for Dumpsville.
Ben wonders why Caila is being so quiet and gosh, Ben, maybe if you thought about it for two seconds you would know. Could it be she’s worried you’re falling in love with TWO other women? Could it be that this might be the last day that she ever gets to spend with you? Could it be the very premise of the show that is upsetting? Duh, Ben!
Later that night, Caila opens up and tells Ben she’s in love with him. Ben smiles and they kiss and we get TONGUE!!! I’ve never been more excited for tongue. Sex Panther lives up to her name and gives some tongue. Ben immediately reaches for the fantasy suite card. And then we see one million fireworks go off.
2. Lauren Gets Sloppy Seconds
Ben’s second date is with Lauren and it begins as soon as his date with Caila is over. Like immediately. Ben literally walks from Caila’s hotel room down the beach and into his date with Lauren. In almost the same clothes. He hasn’t had time to shower.
3. That’s Not How You Help Turtles
Ben and Lauren go to a beach to help some baby turtles. OMG! So cute! They meet Turtle Man Mel who shows them a nest of turtles eager to get out of the sand. He tells them how many turtles he’s saved and what they need to do to clean them off. Now look, Turtle Man Mel seems qualified, but this didn’t make any sense to me.
First, dozens of turtles emerge from the sand and Ben and Lauren walk them down to the ocean to clean them. Then they walk those turtles back up the beach and stash them all in a bucket. Finally they dump the turtles out onto the sand so they can crawl back to the ocean. The same ocean that Ben and Lauren just cleaned them in. Couldn’t they have just let the turtles go in the ocean? I don’t understand turtles, I guess.
4. Ben Says “I Love You”
Lauren finally tells Ben that she loves him and then Ben does something crazy. Ben tells Lauren that he loves her too! He’s not supposed to do that! He says it over and over! Is this crazy? Who told him he could do this? Does Harrison know? People will go crazy! The Bachelor can’t admit his feelings!?!
5. Chris Harrison Doesn’t Write The Notes
As if that’s Chris Harrison’s handwriting. He’s not writing the notes. I’ll say it again, we don’t need Chris Harrison for this show to function.
6. All The Fantasy Suites Are The Same
Lauren and Ben head into the fantasy suite and uh oh. That looks exactly the same as the fantasy suite he was in with Caila. More sloppy seconds for Lauren. This could just be a similar looking room in the same hotel, not the exact same room that Ben hooked up with Caila in the night before. Either way, Lauren is really impressed with the room and I think Ben is acting like he’s never seen it.
7. Everyone Loves Ben
The third date is with Jojo. They take a helicopter to a waterfall. Classic Bachelor stuff. They jump off a waterfall together and that gives Jojo the courage to tell Ben she loves him. And he tells her that he loves her too. What?! Two women?? Can this be happening? Will The Bachelor ever stop surprising us?
8. Surprise, You’re Dumped
Caila so cute and excited. Remember all the tongue? She wants Ben to know that a relationship with her is full of surprises so she heads to his hotel to surprise him. Caila skips out of the car, wonders around the house all giggly and finds Ben. Ben picks up a knife and chops up her heart, julienne style.
He tells her she is the description of his perfect wife but that he’s not in love with her. She remains sweet till the end. They actually have a really communicative break up and it was one of the most humane moments of the show. You know what? Caila will make a GREAT Bachelorette. Get that heart healing, girl!
9. Ben Has Two True Loves
Ben will not shut up about how he is in love with two women. He’s saying it every other sentence. Just one problem I can foresee is that eventually Ben has to pick one woman. Then he and that woman will have to watch him talk about how he was in love with two women when they watch the show together.
10. Three Is Not A Crowd
After the unnecessary rose ceremony, Ben happily hugged both his potential brides. They all shared champagne and toasted to “falling in love.” Makes you wonder if they wouldn’t all just be happy together as a threesome.
Next week, it’s The Women Tell All. Which means a bunch of women talk and OLIVIA is back!!