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May 08, 2015
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Man Suing Starbucks Because He Spilled Hot Coffee On Himself, Must Have Also Missed Last 21 Years In America

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A North Carolina police lieutenant is suing Starbucks for $750,000 because he spilled a cup of hot coffee (that he received for free, no less) in his lap. Matthew Kohr is the suers name and he says that the lid “popped off” and the cup “folded in on itself” spilling hot liquid on his thighs and groin. He made a statement in court recently that he knew the coffee was hot but “I didn’t know it was that hot.”

After hearing about this news story, America should feel very bad for Kohr’s since he has clearly missed the last 21 years of American history. His case draws obvious comparisons to the big 1994 Liebeck v. McDonald’s Restaurants case where a woman sued McDonald’s for $2.89 million dollars after dropping a cup of hot coffee into her lap. While Liebeck won the case, she was viewed very harshly (possibly unfairly harsh) by the media and the general public as an example of how frivolous law suits are gumming up our court system .

If Kohr knew about that case and the public backlash, there’s no way he would have sued for that much money. I looked into it and Kohr has actually made a lot of mistakes that he could have prevented if he knew a little bit about what was going on in this country.


  • In 2009, more than 15 years after Kohr’s super popular hard rock band released their last album, he decided to drop the rest of his band, including signature lead guitarist, to make an album with a brand new band. After years of teasing the album, showing up overweight and unprepared for live shows, and just generally acting weird about the whole thing, Kohr released the album and everyone was like “Who Cares?”
  • In 2001, Kohr decided to do a remake of the famous 1980 “Blues Brothers” movie by basically replacing John Belushi with John Goodman and then just retelling the exact same story but with older men. Kohr named it “Blues Brothers 2001” completely unaware that there was a “Blue Brothers 2000” that flopped big time. Dan Akroyd convinced him that the public wanted more Blues, so Kohr went for it.
  • In 1991, While serving as mayor of Washington D.C., Kohr decided to smoke crack cocaine in a hotel room and during the arrest, Kohr said “Bitch set me up.”
  • In 2014, Kohr was a famous news reader for a major network and he decided to go on a few late night programs and tell a fib or two. Not full on lies, just things that are kind of exaggerated for effect ya know?
  • In 1995, Kohr was vying for a spot on the U.S. Olympic figure skating team and he wasn’t getting a lot of attention so he had his wife beat up the top figure skater in America with a pipe. Eventually Kohr was found to have knowledge of the attack and he was kicked out of figure skating (even though the real story is much more complicated and might make you actualy like Kohr or at least appreciate where Kohr is coming from and maybe we shouldn’t have pointed fingers so quickly back then).
  • In 1975, Kohr paid for a prostitute with a check.
  • In 2015, Kohr was the handsome starting quarterback for one of the best football teams in America and he knowingly cheated by deflating the footballs in order to get a better grip on them. He decided to be a little wuss and blame some team equipment guys instead of taking responsibility for his actions.
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