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June 20, 2016
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Cleveland has had a permanent spot at the top of every list of most fucked sports cities for three decades now. After finally winning the NBA Championship last night, who will take over their spot?

When it comes to sports, Cleveland has always been so, so fucked. From “The Drive” to “The Shot” to the Browns leaving to LeBron leaving, it’s always been mind-boggling just how fucked one city can be.

But good news! By winning their first ever NBA Championship on Sunday night–and first major sports championship in any sport since 1964–Cleveland sports fans can rest easy knowing that they are not the most fucked sports city in America anymore. In fact, there’s a whole pile of cities more fucked than them!

Below is a list of 6 sports cities that are even more fucked than Cleveland now that they’ve won a championship.


A note on what being “fucked” means in this context.
A city’s sports teams being fucked is not something that can be fully comprehended or contextualized using just statistics or algorithms, by adding up championships or tallying winning seasons. When a city’s sports teams are truly fucked, you just feel it. The city’s fans feel it and the sports world as a whole feels it. These are those cities.


1. Buffalo

Oooh baby, getting to and losing 4 Super Bowls in a row is the most fucked thing ever. It would be a different story if they lost 4 in a row and then won one a few years later but you know they didn’t do that and that’s just plain fucked.

How long they’ve been fucked:
Since “Wide Right!” Some cold-ass words from cold-ass Al Michaels.

Why they’re more fucked than Cleveland now:
The Cavs went to two straight NBA-style Super Bowls but won on their second try :(
The Bills had TWO shots at doing that.

Do they have hope of not being so fucked soon?
Oh yeah, Rex Ryan is the man to take the Bills back to the promised land!


2. Cincinnati

It’s disgusting how fucked Cincinnati is. Year after year their playoff birth or division title or whatever-they-end-up-with ends in shit sandwich after shit sandwich. Cincinnati teams once went 15 years without making the playoffs, the Reds made the playoffs, then got no-hit in Game 1. That’s fucked.

How long they’ve been fucked:
Since Marge Schott got all racist (1992).

Why they’re more fucked than Cleveland now:
Ohio used to be a state of 2 completely fucked teams, sharing the load. Now that Cleveland is Mr. Big Boy Championship-town, Cincinnati has to shoulder the whole fucking thing.

Do they have hope of not being so fucked soon?
Oh yeah, the Reds have some really strong looking prospects in Triple A.


3. Minneapolis-St. Paul

Surprise! Minnesota teams are so fucking fucked. They’re not fucked in the way where they constantly have bad management or bad decisions being made, they are just fucked because they never do anything interesting or great and they don’t win The Big One. It’s at The Big One where you decide whether you are fucked or not.

How long they’ve been fucked:
Lost 4 of the first 11 Super Bowls. That’s Buffalo Jr.-level disappointment.

Why they’re more fucked than Cleveland now:
Never absurdly pathetic like the Browns nor drama-fueled like the Cavs, they are just, kind of, THERE, a lot. And watching your teams year after year just kinda be there and rarely ever more or less than that, is fucked.

Do they have hope of not being so fucked soon?
Oh yeah, the Timberwolves are probably gonna win a championship in 3 years.


4. Milwaukee

Real quick, try to name a Milwaukee team off the top of your head…you can’t. And that’s fucked because the Brewers and the Bucks have been around for a while.

Note: The Packers are a very successful team but they literally belong to a another city and people who live in Milwaukee can’t get tickets to those games anyway, which is fucked.

How long they’ve been fucked:
Since Kareem Abdul-Jabbar demanded he be traded to a big city. Your best, future Hall of Fame player doesn’t want to play for your team because he hates your city? That is fucked.

Why they’re more fucked than Cleveland now:
The only reason they aren’t always number one is because everyone forgets Milwaukee has teams.

Do they have hope of not being so fucked soon?

Oh yeah, LeBron James 2.0 might have been born recently in Osh Kosh (or wherever the Akron of Wisconsin is).


5. Atlanta

Atlanta being fucked is relatively new. 20 years ago, Atlanta was the opposite of fucked. The Braves made 14 straight freaking playoffs, the Hawks had Dominique freaking Wilkins, the Dirty Birds were freak dancing in Super Bowl end zones, they even had the Summer Olympics for freak’s sake. But since then they’ve been royally fucked and no one knows why.

How long they’ve been fucked:
Since Maddux/Smoltz/Glavine dissolved and the 1996 Olympics left town.

Why they’re more fucked than Cleveland now:
LeBron’s kids will be winning championships for the Cavs before the Braves are done rebuilding.

Do they have hope of not being so fucked soon?

Oh yeah, Rio COULD lose the Olympics because of the Zika and then Atlanta could host an emergency Olympics?


6. San Diego

I mean, honestly, San Diego probably doesn’t care that their sports teams are so fucked. The sun’s shining, they have a comfortable pair of flip flops on, and a fresh burrito’s in the oven, or whatever they say. Why stress about the Padres fucking up free agent signings over and over again or the Chargers wanting desperately to move out of the city?

How long they’ve been fucked:
Since they decided to play competitive sports in a chill beachy paradise.

Why they’re fucked more than Cleveland now:
A lot like Cleveland before Sunday night, San Diego hasn’t won a championship in any sport in a really long time. Maybe ever! So, sports-wise, Cleveland has exactly +1 on San Diego and 1 is all it takes.

Do they have hope of not being so fucked soon?

Oh yeah, they host the MLB All Star game this year. That should be fun.


7. Cleveland

I mean, definitely soak it up, Cleveland. You deserve it for being so fucked for so long. But once the dust settles, come on, Cleveland’s gonna be fucked again. They’ll just start at the bottom of the list instead of the top.

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