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March 27, 2015

Doctors scramble to solve the medical mystery which lead to an otherwise healthy, rabid Ted Cruz supporter falling into a comatose state. How does -- if at all -- Obama fit into the equation? Other than turning his back on the Constitution and American people, all while conspiring with homosexuals to take our guns, of course.

Rochester, MN – “Yeah, I guess you could call him ‘passionate,’” recalls neighbor Ann Miller. “I once caught him trying to explain to my dog that if gay people are ever allowed to marry, my dog needed to watch his back. Thomas then pantomimed what I can only imagine is someone who has never had anal sex’s idea of what anal sex entails. Why did he think so much narration was involved? And why did the narration all involve scripture quotes and summaries of rectum VS vaginal elasticity studies? And why did he just have so many diagrams just at the ready? So yeah, if your idea of passion is disgusting, he was as passionate as you can get.”

Thomas Peters was never shy about expressing his beliefs, including his support of the “Birther” movement, which questioned whether President Barack Obama was even eligible to hold the office he eventually won. Through his self-described “many, many hours of research” on the topic, he learned first about The Tea Party, and then about a party affiliated senator named Ted Cruz. As he became more familiar with the political platform of Canadian-born Senator Cruz, he began espousing Cruz’ principles with the same fervor with which he opposed Obama.

Whether corralling parents for heated conversations during children’s birthday parties (many of which he reportedly attended without invitation); or continually posting 1,000-word essays and memes on websites like Facebook and Twitter, there was never a question where he stood on a topic. His political beliefs were his identity, eloquently stated in his Twitter bio: “This is me. American born, American led. If you weren’t born in America, just stay in bed…because you can’t be president. Ted Cruz 2016.”

So, when the onslaught of public appearances and poorly spelled postings recently ceased, many people took notice. “First off, I just want to make it clear that I am not friends with Thomas, we went to the same high school so he added me, and I’d prefer my name not be associated with him in any other fashion,” one source listed among Thomas’ Facebook friends replied via email. “Did you see the kind of stuff he posted? Holy shit,” the anonymous source continued. “And it was all the time. Half of it didn’t even make any sense. One of them was a picture of Obama’s face with the caption ‘Kenya? Kenya not?’ What does that even mean?”

Thomas’ close friend and like-minded campaigner, Patricia Humphries, remembers the day the posting stopped like it was yesterday. “When I saw that he hadn’t posted on Facebook for a few days, I checked his Twitter feed. There wasn’t a single meme regarding Obama using the Constitution to make a paper airplane, not a single post attempting to highlight how the Ferguson protests are actually White Hate meetings being held in plain sight, not even a single retweet in which he didn’t use the actual retweet function but instead just copied and pasted the original post and put quotation marks around it in a maddening display of nonsensical practice. It was obvious something was wrong.”

Patricia rushed to her friend’s residence and, using a spare key, gained entrance. “I called out for him but got no answer. Nothing seemed out of place – his statue of a golden bald eagle soaring with the Liberty Bell clutched in its talons was right next the door, just like it always was; his commissioned oil painting of George Washington high-fiving God while floating on clouds that spell out ‘FREEDOM’ was still on the wall; all 50 of his American flags were proudly waiving in the wind created by all 50 of the fans he had stationed near them to do just that; and a copy of Hustler’s Who’s Nailin’ Paylin? was resting in every DVD player of every television in the house, just like always.”

When Patricia made her way into the bedroom, she found Thomas lying unconscious on the floor. “He just looked like he was asleep. I yelled his name again, but he didn’t respond. I knelt down beside him and shook his shoulders, but still, nothing. I yelled in his ear that he had been right all along, that it had been proven Obama was sworn into office using a Quran, and he didn’t even move. The general public not waking up is something I was used to, but not Thomas. That’s when I started to panic. I could barely keep it together during the 911 call.”

Thomas was rushed to the hospital, where it was determined he was in a comatose state, but stable. Doctors were stumped as to the cause, and felt he needed to be seen somewhere better capable with dealing with such a medical mystery. The following day, he was transported to the Neurology unit of the world renowned Mayo Clinic, where a battery of additional testing was performed.

Dr. Michael McNolty, commenting via phone, was assigned to Thomas’ case. “Mr. Peters seemed otherwise healthy, so finding the cause of his coma proved quite difficult.” When an fMRI scan showed strange activity occurring in Thomas’ brain, Dr. McNolty knew they were on to something. “His brain was still functioning and processing information, some types more than others. We began broadly, and slowly fine-turned sensory input to his specific interests, using both his own internet postings and those of differing views, until we were able to pinpoint what we believed to be the catalyst.” The results proved startling.

“In layman’s terms, as rumors of Senator Cruz’ Presidential bid began to grow, the prodigious hypocrisy necessary to question President Obama’s eligibility while simultaneously supporting Senator Cruz was simply too much for his brain to manage. It just…shut down, not unlike a woman’s body during rape,” Dr. McNolty added, with an eye roll that was actually audible through the phone.
“By the way, this is completely unrelated, but did you see that ‘Kenya? Kenya Not?’ meme he posted online before the coma? Someone actually made that, and then he actually liked it enough to share with others. Jesus Christ.”
The question remains, of course, is there a cure? If Thomas Peters’ condition was caused by sheer hypocrisy, would admitting that Senator Cruz being born in Canada actually causes the very conundrum that was entirely fabricated regarding President Obama being born in Kenya awaken him? Would reconciling within himself that you cannot question one without questioning the other relieve his brain enough for recovery?

“It’s possible, but I don’t know that we’ll ever find out,” Dr. McNulty lamented. “Have you ever known fervent political followers to listen to an opposing view and admit when they were wrong, even when doing so would ensure the betterment of those who were suffering? I know I haven’t.”

Patricia agrees – partly. “Of course they’ve never admitted that, because they aren’t the ones who are wrong. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. I’m just fine because global warming is a myth. If he runs, he stuns! Cruz 2016!”

Update: Since this story was originally published, Senator Cruz did in fact announce his bid for presidency of the United States.

When asked if she believed this would help her friend, Patricia would only say she no longer believes he is in a coma. Instead, she claims, he is “filibustering until ‘ObummerCare is repealed.” She points to the “large crowd of nurses who gather daily to witness his message” as proof that his message is being heard, ignoring the fact that said nurses would face disciplinary actions for not showing up for work.

She also informed us she has been banned from the hospital indefinitely, for hanging an American flag upside down above his bed and lighting it on fire, in an attempt to recreate presidential hopeful Cruz’ campaign logo. “Old Glory in a blaze of glory – it was goshdamn beautiful, and exactly what Thomas and this country needed.”

Update 2: We regret to report that earlier today, during a therapeutic reading of Senator Cruz Wikipedia page by nurses, Thomas Peters had an adverse reaction, resulting in arrhythmia. Upon hearing that Cruz’ first name is actually “Rafael,” his EKG machine began beeping to the tune of “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American),” by Toby Keith; after which Thomas Peters promptly passed away.