Full Credits

Stats & Data

April 11, 2009


When i was in 2nd grade, a cougar escaped from the Philadelphia Zoo. Everyone I talk to around the Delaware Valley area who grew up there has their own version of what happened during those terrible years that there was a cougar lurking among us...

I remember what I was like back then... small, terrified of bees, and that movie "IT". That clown freaked me the fuck out... I don't think I slept easy until I was like 14.

So apparently, and I never actually took the time to check my sources for what ACTUALLY happened, but a rumor went around the ole school bus that at least 1 full grown cougar escaped from the Philadelphia Zoo... and they couldn't catch the thing. It was like the ONLY news story I had ever heard about besides OJ Simpson and Jon Kruk having one testicle or something? (relevant issues on long bus rides) So i assumed it was fact.

Anyway, one time following the cougar escape i was in my moms minivan (maroon w/wooden paneling)... with my cousin sitting next to me and I asked him why there were big walls on the side of the road. He's like "Its to keep the cougar from attacking cars", and he was dead serious... like he actually thought that... and so did I. I was even more upset to find out that the walls ended after 100 yards... leaving miles of unprotected road for the cougar to wreak havoc on.

I was worried about it, so I went to the school library and got 2 books out. One was Wheres Waldo, and the other was Magic Eye... and then the teacher sent me back to get at least 1 "real book".... freaking Mrs. Byrnes. So I decided to get a book about Ferocious Felines to read up on my new enemy.

The book was reassuring, very few cougars have ever attacked humans... but the book didn't assume one would be in my back yard starving to death! So that didn't make me feel any better. (not that it ever was in my back yard)

Then one day Timmy Shutski (2nd grade badass) came into school claiming he shot the cougar with his BB gun. YES!

But then he was all, "...but it got away".

WHAT?! He shot the cougar? and it ran away? it ran? Like the tiny metal ball had no effect whatsoever. a bb gun was the kid equivalent to like a rocket launcher... that was heavy artillery, our best weapon. And the cougar just brushed it off like the alien mothership in Independence Day when they try to nuke it. (you know that part? no? ok.. well it was a big let down scene in the movie, before Jeff Goldblum saves the day)

and it seemed like anytime anybody was in the woods alone, they would claim they thought they saw the cougar...

hmm... only when we're alone eh? sounded like the cougar stalked its prey singularly. I knew it, cuz everyday i spent what felt like 5 hours on bus 15 (last stop my entire life, dammit) and we'd pass dead animal carcasses along the side of the street. The driver would say it was road kill, but I knew better. It was the motherfucking COUGAR!

Eventually I grew up, and my opinions changed regarding the existence of said cougar, but to this day whenever i see a dead deer there is a split second where I shudder at the thought that although it probably was a Hummer that killed Bambi... maybe, just maybe, the cougar lurks on.


I never heard about authorities finding a dead cougar anywhere, what if the cougar mated with a stray cat? There could be miniature cougars lurking everywhere...