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February 02, 2015
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Who am I to judge? I just write jokes.

AN OPEN LETTER in reference to the youtube video, “All About That [Upright] Bass - Jazz Meghan Trainor Cover ft. Kate Davis - Postmodern Jukebox”

First, let me congratulate you on an exceptional performance. You have made actual music out of a trifling song, which is no easy task, and for that accomplishment I salute you. You are all obviously brilliant musicians, who with a little luck and good health, will enjoy bright futures in your chosen field of endeavor.

However, let me now give you the tongue lashing you deserve for perpetuating and increasing the overall notoriety of said trifling song. That is a most disgraceful act for which you should be ashamed. Clearly you aim to differentiate yourself from such out and out pop music, and yet it is that very same music to which you now find yourselves indebted for your renown. Alannis, that is ironic.

Furthermore, you are solely responsible for getting a stupid song stuck in my head, and for that I despise you in a way you’ll never know. Personally, I would rather have discovered you performing an old song you’d stumbled across in study with a unique form of poetry and a haunting melody to it. The bar to which you must rise in order to reshape my perception of you is now impossibly high, another fact in this case which I regret.

Perish the thought, but did you ever wonder if the sum total of your musical careers will ever be able to surpass the fame you’ve achieved through covering a pop song? Is that what you set out to do by enrolling to train at a prestigious institution? Your art school chums may pretend to shun you for this, but you’ll be happy to know that inside they are green with envy for you. (Did I mention which version is stuck in my head?)

Friends, therein lies the hypocrisy of the musical artiste: on the surface, differentiation from the norm seems the supreme goal, unless acceptance by the norm becomes a possibility, in which case, screw the differentiation. (It was the digitally enhanced, guilt-inducingly catchy version, if you were wondering)

It is a sad commentary on the state of modern music that such incredible musicians should toil in relative anonymity, while a meagerly talented musician should be thrust out into the public consciousness only on the strength of an unhealthy desire to succeed far in disproportion to their real potential for cultural contributions. (By the way, is there a doctor in the house who could crack open my skull and physically remove this inane song from my poor, aching head?)

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