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Stats & Data

January 30, 2012

I determine once and for all what the better social networking platform is.


Twitter vs Facebook


Forget about the impending 2012 election. No matter who wins the election, America loses.  The most important of debate of 2012 is not Republican vs Democrat (Spoilers: Both are awful!) but Facebook vs Twitter. Is this debate actually important in the slightest? Not at all. But at least this debate does not make you want to eliminate yourself from existence.

So, which social networking platform is better, Twitter or Facebook? I have developed a list of standards that will determine once and for all which social networking platform is the best one. This is a foolproof criterion that I totally pulled from ass, so good luck challenging my completely factual argument.

I report, you decide (not really!)

Standard #1: Do Grandparents use this medium?

How do you know that you should switch to a new social networking site? The answer is simple. You should move to a new site as soon as your grandparents understand how to use it. Yes, grandparents may be lovable and awesome, but the fact that your grandparents are on your social network greatly restricts what you can write. No longer can I write “Fuk Da Police” and write a rant about how the police are awful in extremely broken grammar because if I do that my grandparents are going to complain to my parents about how I am a total moron.

Also to all you 27 year old men who use Facebook as a medium to attract those attractive 14 year old girls, (you guys are total winners!) grandparents can be the ultimate cockblock.

Let me demonstrate.

Mike McCool (Unemployed Possible Statutory Rapist)- *likes Gail Time’s duckface Facebook pic*

McCool- “Dam, grl u sexi!

Gail- “im not tht hawt :(“

McCool- “nah, u fine”

Angry Grandparent- HEY GAIL! I DON’T THINK YOU SHOULD BE FRIENDS WITH THIS GUY. HE LOOKS LIKE THE PERSONIFICATION OF STATUATORY RAPE. (Grandparents always type in all caps on Facebook. No exceptions.)

Gail- “oKaY GMA”

McCool- “I was trying to be the personification of illegal possession of a handgun but whatever. Yes, I can actually type correctly.”


Advantage: Twitter

I noticed that really only the savviest of savvy grandparents know what Twitter even is. One of the largest growing demographics of people that use Facebook is the elderly demographic. So it seems that by default, Twitter wins this battle.

Standard #2: How much stupid are you exposed to?

One might make the assumption that because Twitter limits stupid to 140 characters then by default Twitter would have automatically win the “how much stupid you are exposed to” battle. This is not necessarily true. You can simply look over at the trending topics at any time and see how much stupid one can get exposed to by being on Twitter. While I am typing this, some choice trending topics are “We Support Kim K”, “Justin Makes Beliebers Smile”, and “Rushers Forever Stick With BTR.” Since sexually transmitted diseases cannot tweet, I must make the assumption that real, actual people support Kim Kardashian. That realization alone makes me want to meet the sharp end of a shank.

An important function of Twitter is that it serves a role as sort of a news aggregator. Thanks to the fact that Twitter makes a vast amount of information available and you have the ability to actually follow a fair amount of intellectuals and news organizations, you can actually make going to Twitter an educational experience. That almost makes up for Twitter teaching me what aforementioned BTR is. I assumed BTR was a deadly synthetic drug, but it turned out to be a much worse thing. BTR is a goddamn boy band.

While Twitter can actually be used educationally, Facebook is simply just an intellectual cesspool. There are a few reasons why Facebook destroys IQ points. First of all, many of your friends on Facebook are people from your hometown. Chances are that most people from your hometown are morons. If your Facebook feed is littered with morons, then have fun being exposed to loads of stupid.

Because it is much easier to get into long, drawn out arguments on Facebook, Facebook definitely has the advantage in peddling stupidity. I have read countless arguments over people fighting over their “man” and “baby daddy.” Here’s a quick life lesson: Even if you “win” a Facebook argument, you ultimately lose because you’re a moron.

Advantage: Twitter

Standard #3: Celebrities

Trying to get a celebrity to respond to you on Twitter is definitely one of the most appealing aspects of Twitter. You just don’t get the interaction with celebrities on Facebook like you would get on Twitter. Sure, you might have a cast member of Teen Mom as a Facebook friend but that’s like asking for a Mercedes, but instead of getting a Mercedes, you get AIDS.

I once got a Happy Birthday wish from Jose Canseco, former major league baseball player and author of the literary masterpiece Juiced. I never felt so special in my entire life.

Advantage: Twitter

Standard #4: Entertainment Value

Yes, Twitter may have celebrities. Yes, Twitter may be a better place to find information. As far as pure entertainment value goes, nothing is better than Facebook. Between 14 year olds fighting over “true love”, horribly misspelled words and sweet, sweet passive-aggressiveness, nothing is more entertaining than looking at a Facebook feed. Possibly every joke that could ever be written about Facebook has been written, so I won’t go on about its entertainment value. But God, it is entertaining.

I also composed a poem for all of those 14 year olds that for some reason do not know how to spell you.

Hey kid, what are you learning in class? You is spelled Y-O-U not Y-U, dumbass.

Dr Suess should have been more passive-aggressive. Maybe people wouldn’t be as stupid then.

Advantage: Facebook.

Well, due to Twitter having the advantages in 3 categories to Facebook’s one, I have determined that Twitter >Facebook. Debate solved. You don’t have to Tweet about it anymore.