Crap. We’re screwed, guys. I honestly didn’t expect Daenerys and the dragons to do battle with the White Walkers until next season. But here we are - it happened, they’ve clashed, neither side won, and now both sides have dragons. And that’s not even the stone-coldest thing that happened this week! Between Arya’s Game of Faces and Tyrion’s insistence on estate planning, I’d say “Stark” is the right word for how things are looking in “Beyond the Wall.” Sheesh!

“Bye-bye, Ty-Ty!” “Srsly, screw this. We’re outtie.”

1. Tormund’s Got Jokes

While the Ragtag Rangers™ trek above The Wall, they get a chance to bond with each other. Jon tries to give Jorah back the Mormont Family sword (Longclaw) and Beric chats with Jon about being brought back from the dead. But nobody’s having as much fun as Tormund, who quite frankly deserves his own show at this point. In the span of one afternoon hike, he convinces Gendry that he’ll have to start having sex with men to avoid hypothermia, he teases Sandor about being “kissed by fire” like a ginger, and he fantasizes about the monster babies he would have with Brienne if given the chance. Oh, and he learns a new word for “cock.” This might be the best day of Tormund’s life. Everyone else is freezing their balls off, but Tormund is having an absolutely amazing time.

“TORMUND!” is filmed in front of a live studio audience

2. There Were Never Such Devoted Sisters

Eeesh, Arya’s just not the same since study abroad. She’s…kind of intense now? She won’t make eye contact with the person she’s telling long, monotonous stories to; she snoops around other people’s scroll collections; and her footsteps are eerily noiseless. At first it seems like a good thing for her to confront Sansa about the scroll she found last episode, the one Sansa sent Robb years ago, which Littlefinger wanted Arya to find. Seems like a good opportunity to clear the air and strengthen the sisterly bond. But instead of understanding that Sansa was young and manipulable then, and instead of showing sympathy for the rape and torture that Sansa suffered before winning Winterfell back, Arya ices her out. She threatens to tell Lyanna Mormont and the rest of the North about Sansa’s juvenile betrayal…but why?

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“‘Why ask why?’ That’s just one of several brilliant things they say in Braavos. God, I miss it there.”

What does Arya have to gain from taking Sansa down a peg or two? Is she hoping to maneuver into a position that’s better for her Kill List? Is she working out some family issues that haven’t seen the light of day since Season One? And it’s freaky af that Arya makes Sansa play the Game of Faces with her - Sansa never says yes to that! She’s just snooping around in a satchel of faces, not asking to become a Faceless Man. Arya’s being such a freak and I hate it.

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“Arya! I’ve heard of face lifts, but this is ridiculous!”

3. Daenerys & the Little Men Who Love Her

Turns out Daenerys is kind of a Size Queen. When Tyrion suggests that Jon Snow may be falling in love, Dany immediately dismisses him as being too little for her. She says this to a dwarf. BRRRRRRRRR, GIRL!!

Tyrion claps back, but he does it for a good reason - they need to figure out the plan for what happens after Daenerys kicks the bucket one day. She can’t have children because of Mirri Maz Duur‘s blood magic, so they need to figure out who will continue her reign of Broken Wheel Peace Justice once she’s gone. But you know teenagers; they hate it when you bring up aging and their eventual demise. Dany’s going to live forever, just like rock 'n’ roll!

For good measure, Tyrion also suggests that she probably didn’t have to kill both Tarlys last week. Don’t make fun of little guys without expecting them to send some shit back your way. Lannisters can be brutal.

“Mkay, where do I begin…”

4. RIP Thoros of Myr, Eaten by Bear

Before the Ragtag Rangers™ encounter any wights, they run into a giant zombie bear that mortally wounds Thoros. In one fell swoop we learn that (1) animals are just as wightable as humans and (2) the man who brings Beric Dondarrion back to life is out of the picture. Although he marches on with them for the rest of the day, Thoros freezes to death by the next morning. I knew we were going to lose somebody. I never expected to miss his man bun this much.

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Don’t let man bunnns pass you byyyyyyy

5. Wight Party in The North Hampton

Soon after the zombie bear attack, a White Walker leads a small group of wight scouts into the area (although the Night King seems to already know everything without needing scouts…huh (spoiler theory)). Jon & Co fight the scouts and realize that killing the White Walker in charge makes several wights crumple to the ground. This will probably come in very handy in the future - but right at this moment the entire rest of the undead army has started streaming in by the thousands.

Zombie + Dominoes = Zombinoes hehehe

6. The Sandor-lot

“Just stand out there and stick your glove out in the air. I’ll take care of it.”

The gang finds protection on an island in the middle of a frozen lake, which the wights can’t cross without falling into the water. Stuck there for a while, the Hound passes the time by picking up a rock and throwing it at a wight. Hilariously, it knocks the zombie’s jaw right off. Not as hilariously, his second rock falls short and lands on the lake, which has refrozen and can now support the weight of the zombie army. You’re killin’ me, Sands!

7. T.G.I.Daenerys!

The wights relentlessly attack the Ragtags™ and nearly kill Tormund. Jon Snow takes one of his slow-motion, all-is-lost look-arounds like he did at the end of the Battle of the Bastards, and there’s no clear way for them to get out of this one alive…until Daenerys and her dragons swoop in and light up the whole entire frozen forest! Yes!

“Just dropping by for a…smoke”

8. Revenge of the White Walkers

But noooo!!! No!! No!!!! No! This can’t be happening! How does the Night King have such good aim?! When did he cook up the idea to do this? He must have planned this, but how?! Where does his dragon info come from? This mf kills a dragon with one shot like it’s medium-difficulty at most. At least he hits the dragon that’s named after Dany’s shitty brother. Honestly, I can live with that if I have to. But I don’t want to.

Let’s just hope the Night King isn’t as good at javelin throwing as Lamar Latrell…

…aw crap.

9. Miss Stormborn If You’re Nasty

As Jon recuperates on the ship heading back to Dragonstone, he and Daenerys finally seem to show some interest in each other. He’s more concerned about her losing a child than losing his own uncle (Coldhands née Uncle Benjen), and his shirt is most definitely off. Just when their hand-holding gets interesting, she pulls away and tells him not to call her “Dany” - her awful brother used to call her that. “Then allow your not-awful nephew to call you queen,” whispers her nephew lustily.

“Holding your hand makes me almost forget how little a nephew you are…”

10. Do Zombie Dragons Breathe Ice?

And who forged those giant chains? Frozen zombie blacksmiths?

You might say things have escalated now that the Night King has a frozen dragon. You might say there’s no way for the citizens of Westeros to defeat the White Walkers, even if Cersei responds appropriately and sends every army on the continent up there. You might say it’s entirely possible that the Night King will try to spear another dragon next time he’s within throwing distance.

Only one thing’s for sure: Tormund Giantsbane should have his own tv show.

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“I’m good at killing people ;)”

See you next week for the SEASON FINALE!! P.S. bad news: I feel like other people we like will probably die next week, too. Just don’t let it be Tormund…or Brienne for that matter. Or Jon Snow or Daenerys. Or Tyrion for pete’s sake. Or the Stark girls, even though they’re fighting. It can be Littlefinger, I guess. Take Littlefinger!! Don’t @ me!!!

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