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January 30, 2012

HEADLINE: Hot Woman Actually Pays For Pizza; Delivery Boy Left Unsatisfied Despite Tip






Delivery boy left disappointed, unsatisfied despite tip


PORTSFORD, PA – He never even got to test out the “thirty minutes or it’s free” theory.

Derrick Stypes, 20, was disappointed and taken aback on a recent job excursion when he was paid actual cash by an attractive blonde woman to whom he was delivering a pizza.

Being raised on adult films, Stypes had half-expected for the smoking hot woman who had ordered a pizza to invite him inside only to realize she didn’t have the means to pay him, and that they would have to work out some sort of deal. However, the recipient of the meal, Gemma Willard, had carefully counted out in exact change the 15 dollars and 82 cents she was required to pay.

Stypes even received a 5 dollar tip, which she denoted with a separate bill to save him doing the trouble of the math to find out how much cash he was getting for himself. Stypes said he’d never been less happy to see Abraham Lincoln.

Willard, 35, is a former prom queen and ex-trophy wife who lives alone. She was afforded a large settlement by her husband who was way older than her  after he died. The late Mr. Willard was  “a business man or something”.

 Although she’s the owner of a large fortune and her lavish lifestyle reflects that, Miss Willard would often forget to have any money on hand when her pizza delivery boys arrived. After more than 10 years of “inviting pizza boys inside” and “repaying them in other ways”, she decided it was time for a change.

“It was fiscally irresponsible of me to scam Papa John’s out of all that money,” she admits. Miss Willard made this statement while wearing a white tank top, not making the rejection any easier for Mr. Stypes. She now makes sure to visit the ATM regularly for bills of various denominations, ensuring she’ll always have the cash on hand when it comes time to pay for her order. Alternately, she uses Papa John’s automated ordering system with her shiny new credit card in hand, taking advantage of any good deals and promptly paying off the charges online, as she watches both her happiness and credit limit rise.

Miss Willard also says that eating multiple pizzas a week for the past several years has taken a bit of a toll on her beauty pageant figure. She now routinely opts for the gluten-free vegetarian options the restaurant offers, whereas in the past she would tell her Papa John’s phone operator to send a pizza boy with “extra sausage”.

Stypes ensured Miss Willard he did not mind any “extra junk in the trunk,” but then realized she had already paid for her pizza with exact change and could not in good conscience stay in the house any longer than he already had.

“It’s been a tough year for me,” says Stypes. “I’ve been rather depressed ever since my hero dropped out of the GOP race – to think we were THAT close to having a black president who loved all the same things as me. Sex AND pizza!”

Despite the setback and the failed expectations of the evening, Stypes says he remains optimistic.

“My other job is delivering for P.F. Chang’s. One of these days on the job, I’m sure I’ll find myself a Tiger MILF. Plus, I recently applied to a Long John Silver’s. C’mon, look at that name, horny people MUST eat there.”