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August 09, 2012

The discovery of the body of a middle-aged man yesterday has left the small community of Ballyaids, Ireland, in shock.

Taken from www.newstodaysometimes.wordpress.com

The discovery of the body of a middle-aged man yesterday has left the small community of Ballyaids, Co. Waterford, Ireland, in shock.

The tragedy unfolded shortly before 5:00a.m. Sunday morning after local emergency services were called to the gruesome scene of a suspected self-inflicted brain eating.

The victim was discovered at his house by local necrophiliac, Hans Aznailer, who found the man lying  on a couch clutching E L James' best selling novel, Fifty Shades of Grey. Hans contacted Police an hour after he made the discovery.

Police believe the victim, whose name has not been released, ate his own brain after it became infected with the words and phrases contained in the fastest selling paperback of all time.

Local Chief Inspector, Barry Bacon, explained that the phenomenon of eating your own brain, to eradicate what you have just read, has been steadily on the rise since the release of the highly successful Twilight Saga.

"We have seen a huge increase in the number of SIBE's (Self-Inflicted Brain Eating's) ever since that horrible person wrote the first Twilight book back in 2005.

Though these injuries are self-inflicted, they can often be the backdrop to a well executed murder."

The brother of the victim, James Outcest, who wishes to remain anonymous, declared that his brother's recent reckless behaviour was completely out of character for the recently engaged man.

"I can speak on behalf of my entire family when I tell you that my brother was not a foolish man" he said. "He would never buy, rent, or steal this kind of book. We were raised by parents who warned us of the dangers of these kinds of literary landmines.

That book was placed in his bookshelf for a reason, a malicious reason. We all have a good idea who coerced my brother into reading this teeth exploding book and if there is any justice in this country, she will be behind bars before the day is out. And those bars won't be the delicious chocolate kind."

Police have not been able to contact the deceased man's fiance and ask that she report to the nearest police station for questioning.

Update: Local support centres have been set up across the town where anyone affected by the book can seek treatment. The centres are specifically designed to combat the negative affects of the book and will be showing Patrick Swayze's Roadhouse, 24 hours a day, for the next week.

Roadhouse Treatment