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September 16, 2014

Human culture is weird. I am not saying Japanese weird, but still there are plenty of cultural phenomenons that would be really hard to explain to a neutral bystander like a visiting alien race.

Let’s stop pretending for a moment and admit the undeniable truth – aliens are real and they are abducting us like Angelina Jolie is abducting orphan children from poverty countries. There are multiple witnesses and victims and if you dare deny their existence you will someday wake up with a ridiculous mullet and a memory gap. Anyhow, aliens don’t know much about humans and human habits, else they would have openly attacked us by now.

Imagine if one peaceful night, just after you’ve finished watching your EastEnders marathon you see bright lights from outside the windows. You go to investigate and the next thing you remember is you are lying in a doggy style position and your butt hurts really bad. Then, since aliens are not complete douche bags who leave while you are still asleep, they start asking you about human traditions and culture. And that is the hard part because can you imagine how are you going to explain to them the reason and logic behind some really illogical stuff we do, like …


Smoking cigarettes

Alien: So you guys just eat these sticks of leaves?
You: No, we put them in our mouth and set them on fire
Alien: Oh, so it smells nice like incense? Why don’t you just hold it?
You: It actually smells really bad! We put it in our mouth so we can breathe in the fumes it gives of when burning.
Alien: So it tastes good, I see.
You: Nope, it also tastes like ass.
Alien: These foolish humans and their health products…
You: Health? It actually causes us a slow and painful death by cancer!
Alien: So, something like a painkiller to calm you down in desperate situations, we get it.
You: Pfff, no. It actually makes us even more anxious.
Alien: Fuck this, let’s go home, away from those chavs.


Nah man, we totally get you.

Or try explaining the point of Reality TV

Alien: So … these people are your leader?
You: No, some people watch them on television and the rest of us groan and cringe.
Alien: They watch them on television. For entertainment?
You: Something like that … actually, it’s not very good entertainment. I think people watch them so they can feel superior somehow.
Alien: Now which one made the sex tape?
You: Um … I’m not really sure. *points* I think … that one.
Alien: Her?!? My God, she isn’t even good-looking!
You: I know, tell me about it.
Alien: But why on earth … ha-ha, I made a funny! … would earthlings want to pay attention to such trashy people? Don’t you have better things to do with your time? What about the people you should actually be paying attention to. Like that guy Tyson - now there’s someone people should be watching.
You: First of all, don’t ask me - I hate reality television - second of all …
Alien: So you’re saying that you don’t exactly know why humans do what they do? You do realize that I selected you specifically to explain the species.
You: Yeah, but humans frequently do things that are not logically consistent.
Alien: This doesn’t help me understand at all. Are you sure you’re actually from earth?
You: Yes, of course - you have to remember that humans make decisions based on emotion, sometimes, and that their tastes frequently.
Alien: All well and good, but we need to understand why they do what they do. This doesn’t help me. Back down to the forest where we abducted you.
You: No, wait … wait!
Alien: (Presses button - as earthling returns to the deserted forest, he turns to other alien). Can you believe that banana? Let’s go get that Bieber kid, he’s at the centre of this conspiracy - maybe he’ll have better answers.


I concur.

And while we are at trending culture, how in God’s name would you explain the point of things like planking ?

You: We lay still like a plank on an unexpected place and take photos of ourselves.
Alien: I see no logic behind this. Is it training your abdomen muscles?
You: No, not at all.
Alien: Then it is a difficult task requiring discipline and dedication and you come in peace with yourself when you achieve it?
You: No, we just publish it on social media places for random unknown people to see it without any meaning to our lives whatsoever.
Alien: Ah, I finally understand. You are a bunch of morons. Officer P'paeffaar, release the biological weapons and let’s rid this planet of those pesky things!

Stupid pop-culture things aside, there are some serious issues that would be really hard to explain. Being so advanced, the aliens would probably knowthe concept of greediness and why 2/3 of the World is starving when the other one third is leaving in luxury. But how would you explain people in first world countries with stupid and useless jobs like window cleaners or toll booth operators?

Alien: They have access to the same resources as the successful ones? Why the difference?
You: Well, not all men are equal. Some are smarter and some are dumber. Some have connections and influential friends and some don’t.
Alien: But there are a lot of dumb people with no connections that are living a descent life. Why is that?
You: Maybe the unsuccessful ones are just more lazy?
Alien: What is lazy?

How in the holy name of the squirrel God would you explain laziness to aliens? It’s like trying to explain to a bleeding crucified Jesus why you skipped church last Sunday.I simply can’t. I’ll just ask them to vaporize me with their rail guns, it would be less painful.