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May 14, 2014

Solange-Jay-Z-Beyonce Mystery Feud solved thanks to rumor and speculation




On Monday, the internet exploded in outrage and shock when TMZ released surveillance footage of Solange Knowles, lesser-known little sister to pop icon Beyoncé, reportedly attacking Jay-Z in an elevator at a Met Gala after party.  The question on everyone’s lips: what could prompt such an attack?  Only now is the true story behind the mysterious incident emerging

- all thanks to the noble work of countless online commenters and random onlookers who have spent the past 72 hours tirelessly pasting together wild speculations and empty rumors.      



Apparently, the countdown started when Jay-Z was overheard telling his wife, The Queen B, and her much-less-famous sister Solange that, rather than leave the party with them, he planned to “go to Rihanna’s after-party to have sex with Rihanna again like always” reported a source who delivered a plate of spicy satay chicken skewers to the couple’s table earlier that night. Outraged, Solange headed to the elevator with an “I-don’t-think-you’re-ready-for-THIS-jelly look” on her face, confirmed some guy who was there. “Yeah, her face was all like….” pantomimed some other guy who was standing next to the guy who was there.  





The TMZ surveillance tape, which shall forever live in infamy, has left millions wondering:  why did unparalleled musical legend and human embodiment of feminism Beyoncé just stand there as her relatively unknown sister punched and kicked her husband? Was it fear?  Was it that she wanted it to happen? Apparently, Neither. What the surveillance tape fails to show is that as soon as the arguing began, Beyoncé reportedly “rolled her eyes back in her head and removed herself from the altercation by projecting her spirit into the body of a wolf in a faraway forest,” said a source who was not actually at the event but went to high school with someone who followed the incident on Gawker.  “It was some Brandon Stark shit straight out of Game of Thrones,” said the source. “You watch that show? That series is so nuts right now!”  



According to all news sources everywhere, Solange stormed out of the hotel like she was “allegedly drunk”, or “supposedly outraged”, or “maybe speculatively embarrassed or something.”  “She was not only mad, she was humongous! Maybe 40 times my size, Sonlange rumbled the earth with every giant step she took” reported a mouse who lives in a drain pipe outside of the hotel.   


“The media needs to accept that they can’t know and see everything about the lives of celebrities. Only I can do that.  My daughters love each other and will be back on good terms before you know it” commented Beyoncé’s father, God.  Peering down at our broken petty world from his celestial perch, he added “Besides, the news should be focused on the bigger problems, atrocities, and injustices that are plaguing humanity.  For example, Tyrion Lannister is on trial for a crime he didn’t commit.  What’s going to happen?  Even I don’t know! Game of Thrones is so nuts right now!”