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Published: May 03, 2011
Let me talk a little about Hell. Yes..Hell....fire, brimstone, pits of tortured souls. This is also referred to as "my apartment". Living in my apartment is a bit like attending a live concert, boxing match, soap opera, and a live version of COPS all rolled into one.

The fun starts early in the morning (typically about 3 a.m.) as the woman next door yells loudly enough to wake up her husband AND the people in the farthest reaches of Eastern Europe. "HEY! You gonna' get me my beer before you go to work?!?!?" to which I usually yell back in a dazed sleep, "HELL NO!" to which I typically get, "SHUT YO' FACE! I AIN'T TALKING TO YOU!" to which I yell, "MY BAD! YOU WERE TALKING TO THE NEIGHBORS ON THE OTHER SIDE, RIGHT?!?!"

Falling back asleep, I will hear a loud yell around 3:08 a.m., "HEY! YOU WANT BREAKFAST?" to which I always yell back, "NO...I DON'T WANT BREAKFAST...I AM TRYING TO SLEEP!" Then as I start to drift back into sleep, I will hear crying, screaming and the sounds of somebody being physically THROWN up against my living room "common" wall and I have to pound on the wall yelling "HEY! ENOUGH FOREPLAY! JUST GET ON WITH IT!!" to which I get "SHUT YO' FACE!"

One thing's for sure. I know that alcohol makes you hard of hearing!! I know that because EVERYBODY in my complex yells stuff that normal people wouldn't want people to know AFTER THEY ARE DEAD..let alone when they're alive!!! A typical conversation I might hear would be, "Don't you be bringing that ho' over here no mo'!!" and all I'm wondering to myself is WHY are they talking about gardening tools?!?!

Then when I leave for work, that's when everybody who's on welfare and doesn't WANT a job (i.e. everybody else in my complex) decide what they're going to do for the day. This usually consists of them sitting on the front stoop wishing that they could win the lottery (without actually buying a ticket) and hoping perhaps that ANYONE!!! will stop by their house and offer them an $80,000/year job doing absolutely nothing to which I say, "I'm sorry but the major car companies already HAVE CEOs!"

One thing's for sure..in the next apartment complex...I'm NOT living next-door to the apartment management ever again!