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April 22, 2011

Advice Column

Question 1 from Brooke and Debra in Brooklyn, NY:

Dear Dr. J,

(1)Where are all the eligible bachelors these days, that aren't afraid of an independent, successful woman?  Brooke and Debra are curious.

Dr.J:  Hey Brooke and Debra.  Thanks for asking.  There's your problem right there.  Stop telling men that you're independent and successful.  That's like telling people you're into smooth jazz and you don't believe in the holocaust.  Is your name Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?  No? Stop acting like him then. You've got to dumb it down a bit.  Loosen up.  Create a new persona.

  Here's what you do:  START A FAKE CAREER.  Nobody wants to date a lawyer, doctor, or smartypants in general.  Men want to date someone with an inferior career.  Start complaining about other waitresses at the "Restaurant" or your cunty boss at "The Gap".  If you're dating someone from the Department of Sanitation, talk about how many cows you butchered at the "Slaughterhouse".  If he works in Queens, you work in Statin Island.   See what I'm getting at here.  You need to be down at least one peg.  Remember, you don't quit your real career.  You worked hard for that.  

  *Bonus Tip*:  Play it up.  Think of yourself as a method actor.  If you work in a fish market, rub salmon all over yourself before you go out on a date.  If you're euthanizing puppies, house several "Rescue Dogs".  If you're working on the highway, burn yourself to a leathery crisp and rub tar under your fingernails.  You get the point.


Questions 2 & 3 from Julie in New York, NY:

Dear Dr. J,

(2)Where are some good places to meet new guys?

Dr. J:  Hey Julie.  Lucky for you I know where all the guys hang out.  Here's a list:

 "Hottest New Places to Meet Guys"

1.  Jail: There is nothing hotter than a conjugal visit with a prisoner.      

2.  Internet: If you can't trust strangers on the internet, who can you trust?

3.  Immigration: They will be waiting in line to ask you out.  And marry you.    

4.  Funerals: If a dead man won't sleep with you, nobody will.

5.  Taliban: This is perfect if you're looking for short-term dating.  When they blow themselves up you can move on to the next one.  It's good practice.  Unless they stone you to death for showing your ankles.

6.  Firehouse: Those guys are fucking hot!

7.  The Doctor's Office:  Feed off the fear of death and get yourself a man.  Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

8.  Church: You kidding me.  This is a win/win.  After 20 years of celibacy a priest will fuck anything. And you'd be saving an alter boy's childhood somewhere down the line.


and Julie asked,

(3)I don't like my roommate's girlfriend.  She smells weird. What should I do?

Dr. J: Pull a "Single White Female".  This will be fun.  BECOME HER.  Get her haircut, her clothes, her career.  Become friends with her friends and family.  Find out her weird smell and make it your own.  And for the coup de grace, have sex with her unknowing boyfriend (your roommate) in the dark.  Make sure to set it up so the weird smelling girlfriend walks in exactly at the point of climax.  That "Oh my God, I'm gonna cum" look on his face will haunt her for months.  Relationship done.  And a job well done by you Julie. Keep up the good work.

Question 4 from Ian in Denver, CO:

Dear Dr. J,

 I'm originally from Utah and I'm a devout Morman.  I have never had sex with a woman, but I'm engaged to be married this July.  I don't think I can wait any longer.  What should I do?

Dr.J: You have to ask yourself, "Is it really worth my salvation?  Do I want to burn in hell for all eternity?"  Just teasing you Ian.  Fuck her right now while you're reading this.  Then go out and get some much needed practice.  Do you really think she is a virgin?  Do you think some sweet Morman poontang like that gets to her age without at least a dozen dicks inside her.  Go nuts man.  Even the score.  You have an entire Tabernacle Choir full of virgins to choose from.  Turn the "Church of Latter Day Saints" into the "Church of Latter Day Taints".

Good luck buddy.  Your wife will thank you.      

Question 5 from Logan in New York, NY:

Dear Dr. J,

(5)What's the difference between spitting and swallowing?

Dr. J: Marriage.

Thanks Everyone.  Have a great week