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August 06, 2017
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Anthony Scaramucci announces his plan to write a memoir of his service in the White House.

WASHINGTON, D.C.— On Tuesday, ousted White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci revealed that he’d inked a seven-figure deal with Penguin Random House to pen a memoir about his extended six-day tenure in the West Wing.

The publisher’s press release announced that the book would detail Scaramucci’s accomplishments within the Trump administration, which included filling out hiring paperwork, receiving an ID badge, and wearing a suit.

Scaramucci acknowledged that he would be writing the book in 32-point font. “It’s not that I don’t have plenty to say about my career as Communications Director,” he asserted. “It’s just that everything I say will be really important, and I want the font size to emphasize that. Also, fuck you.”

Scaramucci was the shortest-serving Communications Director in White House history. Even so, he broke a historical record for the use of the word “motherfucker” within the position.

“You motherfuckers are going to love my book,” he boasted. “If you don’t, you can suck my tanned, oily cock.”

Before politics, Scaramucci worked for Goldman Sachs and later founded his own investment firm. He admitted that most of the details from his life on Wall Street were either confidential or so “overwhelmingly complex” as to necessitate omission from the memoir, apparently in the interest of brevity.

“By the way, do any of you know how many pages a book has to be in order for my team to legally market it as a book?” he added.

The press release noted that the highly anticipated tell-all will include 40 to 45 photos of Scaramucci’s hair in multiple stylings and shades, and will be supplemented with complimentary cologne samples. In an early draft of the memoir, mention of Scaramucci’s wife Deidre Ball was conspicuously absent.

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