This week’s tweets cover all the bases.
Tim Burton has an incredible diversity record. Actors in his films range from alabaster to porcelain— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) September 29, 2016
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth— Dee (@figgled) August 1, 2016
i've asked 17 people at work and not a single person knows what IDK stands for— k e e t (@KeetPotato) September 23, 2016
*staples 4 dead butterflies to my forehead*— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) September 24, 2016
Is this snapchat am I snapchat now?
Every pic of Macho Man Randy Savage looks like he's being forced to hold a dead seagull but he's terrified of birds pic.twitter.com/Iw4GqSeStP— the titular hobo (@Amusitr0n) September 26, 2016
If you don't think Trump can win, just remember that wrestling got more popular once people found out it was fake.— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) September 26, 2016
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I'm like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.— Jess is Spooky (@jessokfine) April 5, 2016
my therapist canceled but thats fine i can do it check this out. "oo youre not making any progress tara ooo" see. fine. i'm my therapist. $0— tara shoe (@tarashoe) September 23, 2016
[feeding baby]— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 30, 2016
Me: put this in your mouth, it'll stop you from dying
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It's sm-— Ben (@0point5twins) September 29, 2016
ME: I'm just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
A girl and I start slurping up the same spaghetti noodle until our lips meet. I suck the noodle clean out of her throat. I love spaghetti— matt Online (@Mister_Veritas) September 30, 2016
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.— Rollman (@Rollmaninoz) December 10, 2015
*first day at my porn job*— Atman Thakrar (@AtmanThakrar) September 23, 2016
*pronounces *naked" like "baked"*
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) April 13, 2016
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
anyone who says u need money to have fun has obviously never taped two plates together. that's Heavy Frisbee. the game that Might kill you— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) September 25, 2016
FRIEND: be yourself, but be cultured too— a gorilla a wixard (@trojansauce) September 26, 2016
ME: im a big fan of the rapper fifty cent, or as he's called in japan 17 million yen
watched a girl take a 'broken, do not use" sign off Whole Foods sliding door, take a pic w it over her heart, then walk into the broken door— Elijah Daniel (@elijahdaniel) September 23, 2016
[extremely loud and concerned stage whisper] YOUR LOGO LOOKS LIKE A ASS ON A WALK pic.twitter.com/braX9WMbpZ— Face Thorpe (@Arr) September 28, 2016
trying to get a jump on halloween, does anybody know how to make not standing for the national anthem slutty— Big Sexy Jeb Lund (@Mobute) September 29, 2016
I stole a friend's phone today and set it so it will autocorrect "I've" to "me've" and me'm really excited about it.— Kel (@ohheyohhihello) June 28, 2016
The next Bond girl should be called "Passionfruit LaCroix."— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) September 27, 2016
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) September 29, 2016
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like...river banks, or
McDonalds 1985— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) September 27, 2016
Boss: Playground ideas?
A hot metal jail made from the head of a hamburger man
Boss: first of all I love it
Damn. Just found out my whole life was one of Clooney’s on-set pranks— Allan McLeod (@allanmcleod) September 24, 2016
If you're not carrying around matchbooks from places you've been recently I don't know why you don't want your murder to be solved— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) September 23, 2016
Can't decide which phone to get, should i buy the one that can't use headphones or the one that might explode near my dick?— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) September 23, 2016
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) September 27, 2016