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April 29, 2016
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A message from the devil.

Look, John Boehner: I know that you don’t like me. You think I’m not really “your guy” (though you’d be surprised at the amount of times I had your back in Congress, especially when it came to stopping gun control legislation). But to call Ted Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh,” therefore comparing him to me, the devil himself? That’s extremely hurtful.

I know I’m a weird looking dude–I mean, I’m the devil. People wouldn’t be very scared of me if I was a big hot hunk. But to compare me to Ted Cruz? With the thin lil lips and those beady lil eyes and that sweaty lil skin? I just can’t think of what type of evil being would do that. It’s bullying, and it’s totally unacceptable.

First of all, Cruz’s shit eating smirk plastered all over his sweaty mug? I never have a smirk on my face. I snarl in rage or I cackle with delight. But his creepy half-smile looks like he just got away with secretly sniffing the tampon disposal bin in the women’s bathroom at work. It’s like he’s signed a contract where he can only show a quarter of his upper teeth at any given time. I love firing off contracts (for immortal souls), but that’s one I’d NEVER sign.

Plus, my voice isn’t nearly as annoying as that nasal-y drawl–I speak with the fires of hell and the power of a thousand demons. People tremble when I speak. Ted Cruz sounds like Suze Orman auditioning for Steel Magnolias.

He looks like the lead popcorn vendor at a doll-collector convention on a hot day in July. I’m the angel of death, the father of lies, the prince of darkness. He’s losing to Donald Fucking Trump right now. I could beat Donald Trump with my claws, tails, and tentacles tied behind my back, easy.

Maybe you misspoke and meant to compare me to Tom Cruise? Actually that’s pretty accurate–I’m charismatic, seduce celebrities, and have a close, personal friendship with David Miscavige.

Truly, that comparison would be an honor. Have you seen Magnolia? What a performance. You think of him as nothing more than a romantic lead and then he delivers a hilarious and heartfelt performance. He’s the only real movie star left living, in my humble opinion. And I know a lot of movie stars–most of them are rotting in the fires of my hell. Except for Gregory Peck. What a goody-goody.

Anyway. The point is, you better take it back or I’m gonna turn that orange a few shades redder until you look like me. That’ll give you something to cry about, and I know you love crying fat, hot, little tears. With these kind of insults the only Lucifer in the flesh is you, John Boehner. And me. Because I’m actually the real devil.

Okay, I gotta meet Adam Levine for brunch.

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