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January 23, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

In Pennsylvania, a kindergartener was suspended for saying she was going to shoot a classmate with a Hello Kitty Bubble Gun. The sad thing about this whole situation? The only thing that stops a bad guy with a Hello Kitty Bubble Gun is a good guy with a Hello Kitty Bubble Gun. 

On Monday, Colin Powell attacked Republican Party leaders, saying, “Republicans have to stop buying into things that demonize the president. ... They have to speak out." Republicans took offense to the former secretary of state's comments, especially since they just bought 1,000 "Turn Any Obama Picture into the Devil" sticker books.

In response to its December rocket launch being condemned by the U.N. Security Council, North Korea said it will "boost" its nuclear weapons program. And if it's anything like the boost Kim Jong-il would need to get into a regular-sized chair, it will be very successful.

Beyoncé was reportedly ordered to lip-sync the National Anthem at Obama’s inauguration. "I know how that is," said Ashley Simpson to her friend, Cardboard-and-Beer Can Ashley Simpson.

Republicans are accusing Obama of delivering a highly partisan inauguration speech. Said Republicans, "Why don't you wanna try working with us anymore, you jerkbag?"

Crossword puzzle builder John Graham revealed in the Guardian that he's dying of cancer via a crossword puzzle. Still not as sad as the way the creator of "Ziggy" revealed his terminal illness

In an interview, British naturalist David Attenborough said, "We are a plague on the Earth." Overall a rough start to the week for British naturalists everywhere.

A computer science student in Montreal was expelled last week for reporting and following up on a bug he found in his college’s student information system. Harassing a young man good with computers? Canada truly is America's little brother. 

The Obama administration will be releasing a manual establishing rules for targeted-killing operations, though it leaves an exemption for CIA drone strikes. Because you try telling Joe Biden he can't fly a drone on his Xbox when he's got a sugar high.

Prince Harry recently left Afghanistan after spending 20 weeks as a co-pilot gunner in Apache attack helicopters. Some suggest his involvement in the war was a propaganda tool, particularly since the release of photos of him in the helicopter

Apple removed the photography network app 500px "because it is too easy to look for nude photos." Finally, people with iPhones can get back to using their device for its intended purpose: having difficulty making an actual phone call.