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Published March 15, 2010

FUNNY OR DIE PRESENTS...



THE INTERNET!

I've been holding my peace (but that's not unusual) since the premiere of Funny or Die Presents, waiting to see some REAL reviews and criticism from the established professionals (Hic..) of the Hollywood entertainment community. Unfortunately, most of those I expected to see something from are either sitting this one out, or still asleep from the first four episodes. The introduction and the segmental segues and the credits are FANTASTIC; the retro 60's set with spinning tape drives and semi-psychedelic flashing lights, the cool jazz graphics, the beautiful busty secretary mindlessly writing with a pencil, and the genial white haired MC manager flirting with her and the audience to a hypnotic elevator music background are cutting edge!





So WHY, everyone is asking, do MOST of the sketches SUCK SO BAD?! (I'm sorry, that was probably a little harsh...) so WHY are most of the sketches so MEDIOCRE - so predictable, so mind numbingly boring and juvenile at best, so... I'm sorry, that was probably a little too much information. Besides, I already know why... and most of you do too, if you think about it.




It's because..  CALIFORNIA PRODUCES THE BEST DOPE IN THE WORLD!!! Hands down, no contest... the average Humboldt County smoke makes 60's Thai Stick look like Mexican Brown Dirt Weed, and the "Good Stuff" now? The designer brands with trademarked names and patented DNA genetics are so strong they should be classified as NARCOTICS!  And to make matters worse – any stoner with a few bucks and a little research can get a card, or a letter and a LEGAL PRESCRIPTION to buy the dope of his dreams from a public dispensary or private collective. One of the larger companies, Cannabis Centers of California has over 30 locations, 9 of them in LA alone and 4 more in Orange County! And Ladies and Gentlemen, I submit for your consideration that in the case of most of the producers, writers, and actors of Funny or Die Presents – that’s EXACTLY WHAT THEY DID!!!



 “Medicinal Marijuana” or, REALLY PRIMO SMOKE has some amazing properties; it’s known to relieve pain, muscle spasms, nausea, ocular pressure, and to stimulate the appetite. MAN, does it stimulate the appetite!! But one of its strongest properties, unfortunately for our friends at FOD Presents – IT MAKES EVERYTHING SEEM FUNNY!!!  Even the most mundane, banal, rehashed, clichéd, poorly conceived piece of CRAP seems hilarious … AT THE TIME! AND THERE’S THE PROBLEM!! Any professional stoner should know that it’s NOT FUNNY LATER; it probably wasn’t that funny in the first place, but the fact that anybody thinks of anything when they’re THAT HIGH is amazing in itself – where do you think the cliché “I GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE..” came from?!  To complicate the problem, our friends at FOD Presents made several more mistakes; to begin with, they..
 

WROTE THEIR PIPE DREAMS DOWN!!
 



“Hey, I got an idea! I saw this video about a table saw on U-Tube (Sssssssssssuckkk) How about a table saw that uses a hamster to keep the blade from cutting somebody’s dick off? And it fucks up (whooooshhhh) and this guy gets his DICK CUT OFF!” “That’s FUCKIN’ GREAT man (Ssssssssuckkk), that’s GENIUS – LETS DO IT!” And of course, they had the means and the venue to do it; Hell, they had to do something… so – mistake number two – they actually produced it! And no half ass effort either, they were COMMITTED! A full set and crew, props, graphics and computer animation, a prosthetic DICK! – the whole nine yards! And then the third and final mistake – they actually ran it on HBO! And this is just ONE example; believe me - there are MANY more.



Oh well, you live and you learn… You’ve got a golden opportunity, a once in a lifetime chance to start a new comedy dynasty with very little interference from the censors on THE most major cable network in the world. With NOTHING out of bounds; ANYTHING YOU WANT, ANY WAY YOU WANT IT! Don’t blow it out your Bongs, Boys! Put those Hookahs up, open the windows, let the smoke clear, and sober up – you CAN DO BETTER, and just think about this – if it’s funny when you’re straight, it WILL BE HILARIOUS when you and your audience have a BUZZ!

 
WORK FIRST – PARTY LATER! I’m just sayin’…


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