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August 06, 2016

Some of the most memorable Olympians of this or any year.

The Olympic Parade of Nations

“Matt, the Fiji delegation is made up of one athlete, Udopu Betatanjay, who represents them in Competitive Belching but has now made the transition to Checkers. Fiji has never won an Olympic medal and Betatanjay is under a lot of pressure. The Prime Minister of Fiji has declared if Betatanjay does not win at least a bronze, he will be set on fire when he returns. home.”

“Meredith, Guinea Bissau has one person on the team, Alveoli Rustaino. He competed in the Sydney Games at 10,000 meters, collapsed after two minutes and then at Beijing, he tried the 500 meters and finished so far behind the pack that his country threatened to renounce his citizenship. However, his father is Minister of the Interior and he is now back, attempting to win a medal in an event created just for him, the 5 meters.”

“Matt, the island nation of Kiribati has three members to its team. All three are highly accomplished in their national sport of self-mutilation. Now, the IOC refused to start a competition for self mutilation, even though the Japanese said they would be happy to participate in it. So, instead, Kiribati is here in Rio to try and win a medal in the new sport of Fire Swallowing.”

“Marilyn, there is a great and heart-warming story connected to Madagascar’s great shot putter, Puroweska Mulligatawney. Despite abject poverty and living on nothing but Madagascar hissing cockroaches and Gatorade until he was 12, he has made his national team, training with petrified yak droppings in lieu of shot puts, which he clearly cannot afford. Good for you, Puroweska.”

“Martin, here’s another story that could only happen at the Olympics. Adelwinku Gheparadourassi, competing in Archery for Morocco, has no arms and yet has found a way to shoot arrows by using his teeth and left ear. He also has a special sling that the IOC approved for usage, feeling sorry for Adelwinku. It is also possible that the IOC was swayed by the high potency hashish his father supplied to everyone on the qualifications committee.”

‘Myrtle, the archipelago of the Maldives,a series of almost 1000 islands, planned to send a contingent of 14 athletes to Rio. However, the Maldives, as you know, is the lowest altitude nation on Earth, with an average of five feet above sea level. In fact, the ocean rose by seven feet last week and the entire team,living in a seaside motel together, all drowned. However, there is a happy ending to this story. Maldives has sent Claratu Baarada-Nicto, the team’s now dead swimming star, to the Rio games, embalmed.”

“Minnie, one of the biggest controversies of these 2016 Games is the disqualification of Eustacion Gumbo, a former Silver medalist in shooting from Papua New Guinea. He was expected to compete for a gold this year, but after undergoing a DNA exam, it was revealed that his great grandparents were members of the Fore tribe, who committed cannibalism in that country. Doctors claimed that his relatives eating the brains of humans had genetically provided Udon with certain enzymes that give him an unfair advantage over other shooters and he will not be allowed to compete. What a shame.”

“Muhammed, Sao Tome and Principe, a tiny island nation, is represented
by just one athlete, Jean Louis Claude Garcon de la Perlimpimpin. Oddly
enough, he is competing in Cycling,Wrestling, Sailing, Weightlifting and
Badminton. There are plenty of other qualified athletes in the country
but it seems that Jean Louis is General Jean Louis and just took over
Sao Tome and Principe in a military coup and declared himself, despite weighing 327 pounds, as ‘Olympic Athlete for Life.’ Let the Games begin!“