Tonight we’ll ring in a new year! A year filled with hopes and dreams, most of which will never be realized, so let’s be honest. Instead of making a bunch of resolutions we know we'll never keep, let's agree as a society that we're all full of shit and start making plans for failure. We can only go up from here, folks! With pre-grets, when you fail, you succeed! So here are 13 Pre-grets for 2013 that we can all try real hard not to keep. Let’s blow it!
1. I will consider getting back together with someone completely wrong for me and then try to, only to find out they are uninterested/engaged/dead.
2. I will eat well for a little while, then revert to old habits and gain 5 pounds by the end of the year.
3. I will read none of the books I own. (If I buy more, I won’t read those either.)
4. I will not stop drinking coffee/soda/alcohol/everything despite knowing how horrible it is for me and how addicted I am - in fact, I’ll drink more. I AM ONLY HUMAN.
5. I will watch an entire season of Top Chef I’ve already seen instead of doing something productive because “I didn’t know this was on...”
6. I will continue to search for someone who I can spend the rest of my life with...and ignore them every time in favor of the shiny, pretty person I can’t have/is horrible for me.
7. I will talk all year about learning to play an instrument, only to forget how to play “Mary Had a Little Lamb” (the song on the included paper) by the end of the year - and then lose the paper.
8. I will speak to a child/baby/animal in a silly voice because I feel old and alone and find it hard to cope...a-goo-goo-goo.
9. I will vocally hate that movie/show/song that everybody else loves and then, months later, watch/listen to it in secret over and over again.
10. I will inadvertently ruin a TV show/movie for someone and then get real embarrassed and then indignant about it because if they cared so much they would have seen it by now!
11. I will take Karaoke/Guitar Hero/Rock Band VERY FUCKING SERIOUSLY!!!
12. I will get sick/injured and refuse to go to the doctor/hospital because “I am fine” and “My hand always looked like that” and “Mono’s a myth” and “You’re not my mom.”
13. I will eat that cookie off the ground. It’s my cookie, I’m eatin’ it.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!