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August 31, 2015
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The U.S. has averaged one mass shooting per day in 2015. That's more than I've masturbated.

In the wake of Tuesday’s tragic shooting in Virginia, The Washington Post released a disturbing report that the United States is now averaging one mass shooting per day in 2015:

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via The Washington Post

Those numbers are jaw dropping any way you look at them. But I was especially floored when I realized I’ve masturbated fewer times this year. And I know that for a fact because, like any normal guy, I keep track on a calendar tacked to my office wall:

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X = 1 masturbation sesh
O = two in one day! Yeehaw!

That’s 238 days, 120 jerk-off sessions. Half the rate of mass shootings! Let that sink in for a moment. Masturbating is extremely pleasurable. I am evolutionarily predisposed to want to release my sperm into the world. It feels great. No one is harmed. It’s like doing drugs for free with zero consequences and an endless supply. Masturbation is an amazing gift from God. It’s the best and I love doing it.

Mass shootings, on the other hand, are horrible, selfish acts. They don’t make anyone feel good. No one likes them. No one wants them to happen. They’re an embarrassment to this great nation. They are, simply put, the worst.

Nevertheless, mass shootings have still occurred at a greater rate than my own masturbation in 2015. It’s that easy to acquire a gun and kill people in this country. Yet we dig in our heels and parade around the 2nd Amendment like this is what the founding fathers intended. It’s gotten to the point where I masturbate to the idea of congress passing a comprehensive gun-control bill. There’s no sexier fantasy in my opinion. Unfortunately, that’s all it is: a fantasy.

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