The Ashley Madison cheating hack revealed that millions of people were cheating on their spouses, including various prominent and outspoken conservative Christian men like reality star Josh Duggar and vlogger Sam Rader, who have since claimed to have been forgiven by God. In a Facebook statement, Duggar wrote, “I am so very thankful for God’s grace, mercy and redemption,” while Rader stated in a YouTube video, “I have sought forgiveness from God, and he has forgiven me, so I have been completely cleansed of this sin.”
How do these guys know that God has forgiven them? We have the letter God sent to these cheating men, where he personally absolves them of their sins.
Dear conservative Christian cheaters of the Ashley Madison variety,
Hello. It’s me, God. You pray to me daily. Or at least you pretend to pray to me daily because — let’s be real — you missed a few days when you were off fucking that blonde gal you met on Ashley Madison. And also the brunette. And that other blonde. Man, that other blonde was so hot! I remember making her. You’re welcome.
I feel so bad for all you holier-than-thou conservative Christian cheaters right now. For you must live with this pain! This heartbreak! This incredible suffering! Of people finding out that you were having wild sex with women who were not your wives. This is why I, God, am coming to your defense in your intense time of need.
This is what your buddy God is for, right? To help a cheating brother out.
GOD DECREE: You are absolved of your cheating sins!
As any good conservative Christian knows, sinning is part of the whole process. I expect — nay, demand — that you to cheat on your wife so that I may immediately forgive you without your doing anything to deserve my forgiveness. Just ask! That’s how it goes! Otherwise, what would I do with my eternal life? Hang out with the angels? Ugh. They are super boring and do not enjoy dick jokes — unlike you cheaters, amirite?
Now you may be wondering, isn’t there some other matter that I, God, should be paying attention to, like global warming or some other garbage? No! When you guys asked for my forgiveness, I immediately dropped the “starving children in Africa” bullshit I was working on. Now, to be honest, starving African children is obviously low on my priority list, or I would have solved it years ago when that very good “We Are the World” song came out. But still! I immediately came to your rescue. I am giving my full, undivided attention to forgiving conservative Christians who cheat on their wives via poorly-named websites. It is my #1, top priority as God!
My God forgiveness system is proven to work! Did you see what I did with politicians Newt Gingrich and David Vitter? Forgave those guys. Or what about Pentecostal televangelist Jimmy Swaggart? He has a one way ticket to heaven, thanks to yours truly. What about evangelical pastor Ted Haggard? He has been redeemed! By me!
And this part is important, cheaters! You must show this letter to your wives so they will take you back, no questions asked. In fact, I’ll even throw you a bone and say it was actually your wives’ faults that you cheated on them in the first place. Hear that, wives? This is God speaking. Hear me loud and clear: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. Have more sex with your husbands. Like, as much as possible, and don’t complain that you have a “headache” or “just don’t feel like it tonight” or have your “period.” I know that blood thing is made up. Do you want to go to hell when you die? FYI, your husband won’t be there — he’ll be in heaven with all the others who repented for their sins and were saved by me.
Now get out there and sin some more, you! And I, God, will just sit back and watch all of this pretty bad live porn. That’s all I ask in return.
In my own name,
P.S. You all should really work on your foreplay technique. I’m pretty certain most of your Ashley Madison hookups weren’t into those surprise-finger-in-butthole moves.