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April 16, 2016

Regis breaks down why the NBA team with the record for most wins in a regular season would be no match for him and his former co-host.

The Golden State Warriors are fresh off of breaking the 95-96 Chicago Bulls record for most wins in a season,but not everyone is impressed with their accomplishment. All season long, former NBA players such as Oscar Robertson, Scottie Pippen and Stephen Jackson have each suggested that their teams could defeat this year’s Warriors with ease in a hypothetical head-to-head matchup. Now long time TV personality Regis Philbin is joining the conversation.

“To be forward, I think the Warriors breaking the record is a joke,” said Philbin. “Back in 93-94, Kathie Lee (Gifford) and I used to go to the West Side YMCA every morning around 11am after we finished filming every episode. We would throw down on that court. Boy, we were a force to be reckoned with.”

While it’s impressive that the duo could maintain such a high level of competitiveness in addition to handling the demanding job of hosting a live television show every morning, what exactly makes Philbin think he and his former sidekick could take on the defending NBA champs?

“Listen to me, we would destroy them in a seven game series. They would not win one game. First off, Andrew Bogut would get eaten alive by Kathie Lee on the boards. The same goes for Anderson Varajeo, Festus Ezeli, and don’t even get me started on Draymond Green. Kathie Lee was a better two way player than that hack will ever be. Nobody could box out like she did and her post up game was incredible, ask Hakeen Olajuwon. He moved to New York one summer so Kathie Lee could coach him everyday on how to take care of business down low.”

Philbin wasn’t shy about giving himself high praise either.

“Klay Thompson? Steph Curry? Please.Let me tell you something, one time the anchors from the Today show surprised us at the Y and challenged us to a best of five series. We swept them, and I hit 400 three pointers in that series alone! It took Curry 79 games to do that this season and everyone’s going berzerko. Give me a break! And when’s he gonna learn to wear his mouthguard correctly? He looks like a numbskull!”

The 93-94 Today show cast remembers the series vividly.

“Oh yeah, it was embarrassing,” said Katie Couric, who was an anchor on the show for over 15 years. “I felt like how I imagine Sarah Palin felt when she re-watched that interview I had with her. Every time I recall Regis crossing me up or lighting me up from downtown, I cringe. And Kathie Lee? She made Bryant Gumble and Willard Scott look downright silly on the low block. Regis and Kathie Lee would, without a doubt, give this year’s Golden State Warriors a run for their money.”

Despite the high praise for their theoretical opponents, the Bay Area ballers aren’t intimidated. In fact, most of them are just flat out annoyed.

“We did a lot of great things this season, and I’m sick and tired of guys like Charles Barkley, Julius Erving and Regis Philbin just writing us off,” said MVP candidate Steph Curry.

“Yeah, I heard Regis’ remarks and you know, we just use it as motivation,” claimed swingman Andre Iguodala. “We’re gonna take it one game at a time in the playoffs and not worry about comparing ourselves to the Celtics of the 60’s, the Lakers of the 80’s or the Regis & Kathie Lees of the 90’s.”

“I usually ignore when guys talk trash through the media, but when I heard what Regis said, I was upset,” stated guard Leandro Barbosa. “Not only was I a big fan of their morning show, I never missed an episode of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire when he hosted. I even watch Kathie Lee and Hoda drink wine every morning at 10am. Sometimes I’m late for practice because of it.”

Surprisingly, there was one person in the Warriors locker room who had no argument.

“We had an off day in New York once and I stupidly challenged the two of them to a game of 21,” admitted current Warriors head coach Steve Kerr, referring to when he was a player for the Chicago Bulls in the 90’s. “They were fucking sick. Honestly, they’d tear this Warriors team apart if we faced them in the Finals. We’re extremely fortunate that they aren’t playing anymore.”