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February 16, 2009


As long as I'm stuck on this boring ass conference call, I might as well waste some time bloggercizing.  (Any conference call that starts out with a bad joke about budget cutbacks and way too much nervous laughter can't be good.)  So this is my letter to stupid people who should never be allowed to drive...

Dear stupid people, 

I realize that stupid people are too stupid to realize they're stupid so let's start be identifying my audience.  Two thirds of the people in the world are stupid.  Look at the person on your left.  Now look at the person on your right.  One of them is also stupid.  Now let's move on to why you're all such fucking idiots when you get behind the wheel of a car.  Let's face it.  You were stupid before you got in the car.  It's just that when you're driving, you're stupid and you have a 2000 pound unguided missile under your fat ass.

You know those cool futurecars that you get in and tell the car where you want to go and engage the autodrive and sit back and relax until you reach your desitination?  Yeah, those don't exist. Hang up the phone.  I don't care if you have bluetooth.  Hang up the fucking phone.  You can wait twenty minutes to talk about what a bitch that uppity bitch was being at work today.  Put down the blackberry.  No, no texting.  No.  No, never.  No, not just a quick text.  Stop it.  Stop it.  Stop texting for fuck sake!  Fine, whatever...hey, I think you just got a text.

Plz stop txting.  U R 2 dum 2 txt n drive.  kkthx

Some other things you shouldn't be doing instead of driving.  Applying makeup.  Reading a map.  Reading a book.  Reading a newspaper.  Balancing your checkbook.  Really, who even uses checks anymore.  Eating.  Sleeping.  Looking for whatever the hell you're looking for in the back seat.  Watching TV...a special shout out to the asshole who came up with the bright idea of putting a TV in an SUV:  way to go, asshole.  Watching TV in the car in front of you.  Having sex...because if I'm not getting any, then fuck you.

Ok.  Now that we've got all of the distractions out of the way, here are some driving tips to help you look a little less like a fucking idiot. 

Highway driving: 
1. Most modern highways have 3 or more lanes.  The right-hand lane is for ingress/egress.  Use this lane to enter or exit the highway, or if you're too damn scared to drive the speed limit.  The middle lane is for regular driving.  Use this lane if you intend to drive at or near the speed limit and are not preparing to exit the highway.  Note:  Exiting the highway from any lane other then the exit lane is not recommended.  Also use this lane (temporarily) if you are normally a right-hand lane driver who is passing someone even slower than you.  The left-hand lane...you know what...don't even think about the left-hand lane.  It doesn't exist.  You don't need to be in the left-hand lane...ever.  Keep your dumb ass out of the left-hand lane.

2. This is not NASCAR.  There's no announcer saying, "And here they come three abreast down the freeway!  They're really racing now!  Door to door with speeds approaching almost 50 MPH!  Hoo doggy!  This is exciting stuff!"  Yeah, that's not happening.  If you're driving the same speed as the car beside you, then get in line behind them.  That 1/2 second isn't going to make or break your day unless you piss off the wrong road raging redneck.

3. Not all cars are going the same speed.  That's why they have gas and brake pedals.  When someone starts to pass you, don't take it personally.  It isn't a reflection on you.  Well, actually it is, but still don't take it personally.  There is no need for you to suddenly decide you need drive the same speed as the person passing you.  The same goes for those rare occasions when you're passing someone else.  If you were going 5mph faster than them a minute ago, why do you suddenly feel the need to slow down and drive next to them?  Which brings me to tip #4...

4. Pick a fucking speed.  If you want to drive 70, then drive 70.  If you want to drive 75, then drive 75.  If you want to drive 55, then get the fuck out of the way.  Just pick a fucking speed and stick with it.

5.  Blind spots.  Funny thing about blind spots...you can't see what's in them.  You fucking idiots fucking love them though, don't you?  That's why I like to randomly swerve left and right sometimes.  Just to see if you assholes are paying attention.

Well, the conference call is over so I guess it's time to wrap up part 1 of my open letter to stupid people who shouldn't be allowed to drive.  Stay tuned for Part 2:  "City Driving" or "Why do people keep flipping me the bird?"  Also coming soon, my essay entitled "Why is it that no matter how much I shake I still pee a little after I zip up my pants?"