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April 16, 2010


Life Rider

In order for me to continue functioning from day to day in an acceptable manner without snapping and shooting a bunch of folks while wearing a suit made from the skin of prostitutes, I am going to have to make a number of demands on society. Meeting these demands should ease my passage through life, until my inevitable demise at the hands of an angry transsexual screaming “I don’t care what you thought was down there! You’ve still got to pay.”

#10-02-10a (The Brown Mile)

The sight of a grown adult dumping a drinks can out of their car or tossing their empty cigarette packets onto the street is such a powerful display of ignorance that it needs to be confronted by an equally powerful message. Therefore I will require the implementation of a system of instant enlightenment for any adult found to be wilfully littering, and I insist that this should be carried out by John Coffey from the film 'The Green Mile'. For anybody who hasn't seen this film, John Coffey is build like Mike Tyson but unlike Mike Tyson he has been blessed with magical healing powers and a gentle kind soul instead of magical raping powers and no soul. The method John Coffey will employ, is to cradle the offender in his arms like a child and say “I'm going to help you boss, I'm going to take it back”, then motivated ONLY by love, he will begin to push turds into their face while singing hymns. This should continue until they stop struggling and genuinely see the error of their ways. Likewise, the next time I see some soulless youths sitting in a car, open the door and dump a heap of fast food packaging on the floor, like the pigs they are, I will again require John Coffey to appear beside them and say “You shouldn't leave that there. Mr. Jingles may try to eat some and get sick. Now hold still Boss, I'm going to helped it.” Again, motivated ONLY by love, he should push turds into their faces until the vein of ignorance that runs through their brains has subsided and their contempt for the whole of mankind has faded to a distant memory. The result should be cleaner streets for everyone, with the possible exception of some residual skat.


Unfortunately this request is nonnegotiable.