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God
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Published October 24, 2012

Indiana Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock said:“…even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape. It is something that God intended to happen.” In other words, rape and subsequent pregnancies are all part of God’s plan.

Mourdock’s God sounds like a pretty busy guy – kind of a micromanager – and about as nice as a hemorrhoidal cobra.

What else is in God’s planner?

6:00 am: Beat up old people.

10:00 am: Genocide update conference call.

Noon: Lunch with Hitler. I hope he brings Pol Pot, that guy cracks me up.

2:00 pm: Promotional tour for my book “Children with Cancer: All Part of My Plan.”

3:00 pm: Call mom. Tell her I never loved her.

4:00 pm: Sacrifice to myself.

5:00 pm: Taliban fundraiser. They’re having a hell of a time.

7:00 pm: Turn more people into salt. I’ve been a bit moody lately, and punishment by condiment always cheers me up.

9:00 pm: Late dinner at Jeffrey Dahmer’s – remember to bring the puppy pilaf and the baby livers he likes so much.

10:00 pm: Watch Fox News and go to bed.

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