Severe Outbreak of Zombie Fuckboys on East and West Coast, Center for Disease Control Warns
There is an epidemic of zombies inhabiting the bodies of males in their 20’s and 30’s and no one is safe. Most in danger of being possessed are men who earn 100k right out of college, tech and finance bros living in gentrified areas,and any man who has attended Coachella. Men who use Tinder and Bumble are especially at risk of infection. The zombies, identified by forensic scientists as ‘textbook fuckboys’ (ZFBs) are spreading like wildfire on the East andWest Coast.
ZFBs can appear normal at first, as they are programmed to be able to tell women what they want to hear. If you are not sure if you are dealing with a ZFB, ask him to identify the female clitoris. Many of them cannot locate female genitalia and are rendered clueless as to what to do with it. When a ZFB takes over a man’s central nervous system, the only living thing that remains is the male genitalia. This is what guides the ZFB. It becomes his lifeblood, his eyes and ears. This is also why a ZFB’s motor skills are severely slowed down. It will take him two days to formulate a text, not even in complete sentences, but two seconds to cum, sometimes upon immediate sexual impact.
Mary Swander, a woman who just found out her boyfriend of 4 years has been overpowered by a ZFB, tearfully recounts the day everything changed.“It all started when my boyfriend got a job at a tech startup and moved to Venice. I knew it was a dangerous area, that ZFBs were rampant. I urged him not to go.” Swander said that her boyfriend thought he was invincible, that his moral compass and love for monogamy would overpower the pull of the ZFB. “Then he switched his gym membership to Equinox. I didn’t want to believe it. I was in denial as it was happening right before my eyes.” Swander’s (ex) boyfriend is fully possessed by a ZFB and is currently trying to have sex with anything that has a vagina. Swander holds out hope for a cure but until then answers to his late night texts every other full moon that she sees as a sign that he is “still in there somewhere” but that one doctor notes is just a “motor reflex of a brain-dead fuckboy.”
After many of the country’s top exorcists have worked on severe ZFB cases, they all came to a consensus that some of the only cures are relocating the ZFB to a Middle-America suburban town where they are surrounded by and forced to interact with friends who are already married with children. The other alternative is shipping them to a Buddhist Monastery in the Himalayas for three months of celibacy, giving their genitalia a much needed rest.
Currently the Center for Disease Control is trying to contain the fuckboy epidemic, which has reached epic proportions. If you fear there has been an infection in your area, call 1-800-HOTLINEBLING immediately.