By Anatoly Smirnov
Anyone who watched the speech by Melania Trump tonight had to have gotten the same vibe that I did. She is a communist spy. That’s right a communist spy. I’ll say it a third time: a communist spy. A fourth time would be verging on sounding repetitive. So, in keeping your attention, I refuse to say she is a communist spy a fourth time.
Melanija Knavs infiltrated Donald Trump’s life to back in 1998 calling herself Melania, she said in tonight’s speech. That was her mission–to seduce the future president of the United States. As first lady, she would have no doubt promoted a procommunist agenda undermining our nation’s intelligence.
But Melanija just lost that chance by showing her hand. She spoke in such broken, accented English, it was hard not to compare her to the character Nina from The Americans who also is very attractive, has a 34B breast size (very close to the 34D breast size of Melanija), has an accent, and is not a very good English speaker. Comparisons to Nina don’t stop there however. In the show, Nina seduces a white male with great power within the U.S. government in order to gain his trust while slowly working as a spy for the Russian government. Though her work as a spy doesn’t begin until the end of the first season, Nina is eventually killed in the third season.
— Nina, The Americans
I took a bath to start my new life.
Likewise, Melanija’s work as a Russian spy really won’t begin until Trump becomes president. This is like the end of their first season of marriage. Who will kill her in the third season is a mystery at this point. Nobody saw Nina’s death coming on the show. Melanija’s death will also be most likely sudden if it occurs at all in the third season. Russian spies like herself often are good at evading death, but are simultaneously poisoned with deadly radiation (think the movie Crank) during their initiation into spy-hood and are given the necessary medication to survive as long as they keep doing their job.
My hope is that Trump will finally see through her beauty like I did tonight. In order to avoid a divorce which would come with steep financial costs, he’ll have to find Melanija’s anti-radiation pills and deprive her of them. She will die a slow painful death like Tom Hanks did in the film Philadelphia.
P.S. Please read my other piece tonight, “Melania Trump Gives RNC Convention Speech; Gets Night Off From Sex with Donald”.