California-based food market chain Bristol Farms announced on Tuesday that they are renaming all of their ultra-premium stores to better reflect the Bristol Farms shopping experience. “We did a study of what the average customer spends in Bristol Farms, and the number we hit was $999,” Trillionaire CEO Oswald Cumber stated at a press conference held aboard his flying aircraft carrier. “Whether you buy a roll of eco-friendly recycled Icelandic toilet paper and a stick of Tibetan Yeti butter, or 2 pounds of Sidney Kangaroo meat and a bottle of 100 year-old Columbian agave, you’re paying $999. We don’t fully understand how, but that’s what the numbers are telling us.”
Cumber hopes that the new name will better inform customers of what to expect at checkout, and hopefully keep the riffraff out. “Some of our customers have been upset with the rise in the number of American cars in the parking lot,” Cumber observed.
Many employees applaud the change. “I’m tired of customers coming in here and complaining about the prices,” Manager Preston Williamson IV complained. “Yeah the bill is $999. How? The $770 chicken you’re buying lived in a Pasadena mansion and had a name. Philip Gunderson. And Philip Gunderson wasn’t chopped up in some giant slaughter house, but died honorably in a duel with Samurai, using a 1200 year old Hatori Hanzo sword. And the $200 corn? Duh. It’s totally hormone free, makes you immune to cancer, and was pissed on by Chumash Shaman! You think you’ll find that at Ralphs? No. What you’ll find at Ralphs is cheap diseased corn being gnawed on by rats.”
Not everyone is happy with the name change. Beverly Hills based Bristol shopper Morgana LeCarte is very agitated. “I’m very stressed about this name change thing. It’s taken me years to train my maid Genesis not to go to that horrible Vons place when I send her out with ten Benjamins for my mid-day platinum-infused Pomegranate yogurt and Bald Eagle Soup, and I’m afraid this new name thingy is gonna confuse her. Does this mean she has to take a different bus?”