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February 19, 2016

What if these presidential nominees weren’t presidential nominees? What if they weren't famous at all? What would they be doing with their lives? Below we speculate.

What If These Presidential Nominees Weren’t Famous? Below We Speculate.

Jeb Bush.jpg

Jeb Bush

Alternative Career: HighSchool Band Director. He started off thinking it would be a temporary position,but thirty-five years later he’s still there. He didn’t even like high school when he was in high school. Everyday is a reminder of his failure.


Ben Carson

Alternative Career: A College Librarian. … the one that gets mad at you for loudly flirting withcoeds near the study carrels. Even though he is super pissed he never says anything about it, he just buries the anger deep inside.


Hillary Clinton

Alternative Career: Head of the Local Homeowners Association. She follows all of the onerous regulations to a T. If you do something crazy—like paint your mailbox the wrong shade of white—she will nail your ass to the wall. Use the wrong type of shingle? Forget about it, she’ll have you evicted and then poison your dog that’s been peeing on her lawn.

Ted Cruz.jpg

Ted Cruz

Alternative Career: That colleague from work that’s fairly successful, but you can’t figure out how,because everyone hates him. You suspect he’s into weird sex stuff—probably a furry.

John Kasich.jpg

John Kasich

Alternative Career: Ice Hockey Coach, probably for a small college. His blue-collar, nose-to-the-grindstone players love him. His gifted, prima donna players hate him. He still believes fighting is an instrumental part of the game.

Marco Rubio.jpg

Marco Rubio

Alternative Career: Earring Model. How could he not be? Look at those big-lobed beauties.


Donald Trump

Alternative Career: Failed Casino Mogul—wait, no, that’s real. He would be a lawyer that specializes in ambulance chasing and shady class action lawsuits. His office would be located in a strip mall and have one of those inflatable air dancers in front of it —you know, those wavy-armed monstrosities that they have outside of used-car dealerships. So,basically, he would be Saul from Breaking Bad, but infinitely less likable.