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April 06, 2015

A guy who really, REALLY wants to have a drink right now is recapping the booziest show on television, Mad Men, for Funny Or Die.

Last night the inimitable Mad Men returned to AMC for the first of its final seven episodes. Here to recap the events of Season 7 Episode 8 “Severance” is an alcoholic fan who’s trying really hard to stay sober.

OK so it’s been almost a full year since we last saw my kids I mean Mad Men. Episode S07E08 starts out with a freshly single Don instructing a crazy hot girl on how to wear in a mink coat. You think this is the start of a tawdry affair but BOOM we cut to an office and it’s all just been direction for a casting session. The people on the casting couch are drinking coffee and eating donuts, something I have become very accustomed to in the past year. It makes sense I guess since the casting session is taking place in the morning but if you’re like me you prefer seeing these ad men boozing. I mean hey I can look but not touch, right?

Now we’re at a diner and Don and his boss are having MORE coffee. OK, Matthew Weiner, we get it — they had coffee in 1970. Anyways — OH! Don just pulled out a flask!! Man that brings me back. Used to be a day where they wasn’t nothing I couldn’t Irish up. Wonder what’s in it — scotch? Whiskey? One time I drank 12 bottles of hand sanitizer and it wasn’t on a dare. FUCK whatever Don’s drinking looks good. I just wanna smell it. Maybe press it against my lips without actually opening my—

Shit, sorry. Had to make a quick call to my sponsor. Anywhere where were we … OH! So Mad Man is like, “Um I think I know this waitress” about the waitress but she’s like “Nope.” One time I loudly insisted to a bartender I knew Joe Biden so I understand this mistake. Anyways, the gray-haired Mad Man leaves her $100 cause he was showing off for some broads. Oh man, you know what I would do with $100? You’re probably thinking, “Buy a really nice bottle of whiskey” but you’d be wrong! I’d actually buy 10 really shitty bottles of whiskey. God I love how much they drink on this show. And I can relate to Don because I’m also been divorced a bunch and often forget I have more than one child. Shit, what are those kids’ names again? Sally and Bramby? Was there a third? I dunno, maybe I’m thinking of my own.

WHOA!!! Don just had a girl come over and she brought wine!!! Fuckin’ love wine. SHE JUST SPILLED IT ON THE CARPET! THAT CARPET IS SO LUCKY. They say red wine won’t come out of a white carpet but I guarantee I could suck that thing clean.

Here comes Ken Cosgrove with his stupid little eye patch. God, he looks like a pirate. Mmm. Captain Morgan. Do you think they have Captain Morgan in Heaven? Let me know in the comment section. Anyways if they DO have it, I bet it’s free. I bet you can drive right into it like Augustus Gloop did in that chocolate river in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

So anyways, now there’s four kids left with Golden Tickets. Violet is mad cause she wants some gum and SHIT I just remembered what I was supposed to be recapping. MAD MEN. I’m recapping MAD MEN. Sweet, delicious, ice cold Mad—

Sorry. Sponsor again. He says maybe I shouldn’t watch this show. Too much “temptation” etc., etc. He also says instead of recaps I should be focusing on my many upcoming court cases of which I’m the defendant in all of them.

Peggy has agreed to go on a date with that Dilbert’s brother in law. I wonder if they go out for drinks?? Shit. It’s been so long since I’ve gone out for drinks. WHY DO THEY DRINK SO MUCH ON THIS SHOW THEY ARE THE LUCKIEST PEOPLE ON EARTH. (Except for women and black people. That era wasn’t amazing for them.)

OK now Cosgrove is having a cocktail with Leland Palmer from Twin Peaks. What’s interesting to note is that his wife isn’t giving him any shit about it, REBECCA. Also of note is his ability to stop after one JUST LIKE ME IF I’M GIVEN A FUCKIN’ CHANCE. I SWEAR TO GOD, YOU LEAVE YOUR KID AT 12 SOCCER GAMES AND SUDDENLY YOU’RE BRANDED A—

Sorry. Third call to my sponsor. He suggested I start recapping Sister Wives instead. Anyways, Cosgrove got fired from his job. Apparently his wife, Alex Mack, is COOL WITH IT. This marks a drastic departure from how my wife acted when the same happened to me eight times. Maybe Cosgrove’s wife is just cooler. Who knows. Anyways, Joan’s mad cause guys keep talking about her jugs and I’m pretty sure one of Don’s friends is dead. Maybe the wake will be open bar, they haven’t gotten that plot point yet. Cosgrove and Pete are in his office having more drinks. Looks fun as hell.

Jesus, now Peggy and the boy from My So Called Life are having drinks! I wonder if I kissed Peggy right now if she’d taste like wine. I can tell she’s starting to get a little tipsy, which is my favorite stage of drunk. Like the stage where you feel all warm and cozy but could still tell a charming anecdote or get an erection if needed.

OK so I’m gonna go ahead and pop a bottle of Jameson for the rest of this recap. I mean what the hell, right? Don is at Shiva for like his wife or his daughter or whatever. Looks sad so I’m gonna fast forward since Jameson and me being sad DO NOT MIX. Ask my last office Christmas party. Gonna just go ‘head and find a happy scene—

Oh shit!!! Peggy and My So Called Life are back at her place and I’m sorry but I’m gonna fuckin fight him does he think he’s better than me no he’s not and I’m sdfsjoi vds to rprsvd it!2

Ken Cosgrove is now like head of Sterling Cooper or whatever. The end.