One things for sure, this week’s tweets are definitely not from the future.
I refer to any time between 1994 and now as "the other day"— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) October 28, 2017
ME: hi im tom and im addicted to referencing 90s pop hits— & (@trojansauce) November 1, 2017
GROUP: hi tom
ME: my rehab is going pretty well, it’s been, one week
Requiring everyone's clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is— Hippo (@InternetHippo) November 2, 2017
Really seems like an oversight that the ghostbusters' phone number is not included in a song that urges us to call them— Cassie Grimaldi (@CassieGrimaldi) October 31, 2017
In science class today we learned how to turn butterflies into moths by playing The Smiths for them— Son of Jerm (@JermHimselfish) October 30, 2017
my gf left me because I wouldn't stop calling our relationship a "collab"— lil arab (@maybetomhanks) November 1, 2017
Me: I have an imaginary gf.— Alien Skier (@ClichedOut) November 1, 2017
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it's just--
T: I was talking to her.
"you'd be prettier if you smiled"— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) November 2, 2017
bitch, my mouth is filled with wasps. if I smile, we're all doomed.
MECHANIC [kicking the tires] There's something I need to tell you about your car— Jon (@ArfMeasures) October 26, 2017
MECHANIC [punches the door] I hate it
Me: hey did you buy '100 Count Tennis Balls' from Amazon?— Ygrene (@Ygrene) November 1, 2017
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) October 26, 2017
WEBSITE: You must be legal age to view this content. What year were you born?— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) October 31, 2017
ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) September 13, 2017
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
You wanna get beauty and the beast songs stuck in my head? Be my guest.— Francis With Wolves (@ImSoFrancis) October 3, 2017
Ah fall, the time of year rambunctious men come to my farm to fuck my pumpkins. "Hey, don't fuck my pumpkins!" I yell, but they just laugh— Bear Knee Sanders (@LeBearGirdle) November 2, 2017
I can’t tell if I’m just bad at names, or if everyone knows mine because I’m the protagonist— Alex Badalex (@funandmisery) October 6, 2017
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*— Llama In A Tux (@LlamaInaTux) November 3, 2017
Coworker: He's ruining the fondue again!
Pretty weird that this season they started calling her "Eleven from Stranger Things" pic.twitter.com/9D9jEJEiCw— Joseph Carnegie (@JoeCarnegie) October 31, 2017
let’s make this roundhouse kick a roundhome kick— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) October 25, 2017
A sense of unease fills the air. You slowly gaze into the distance. And there they are. Flintstone kids. Ten million strong and growing.— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) October 31, 2017
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well... best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) November 2, 2017
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) October 28, 2017
just spilled a La Croix on the ground and now the rug is thinking about doing a podcast on different types of artisanal cheeses— Kim Thanks (@KimmyMonte) October 25, 2017
[birthday party]— yabkat (@ohen39) November 3, 2017
me: the candle symbolizes the joy and happiness in your life
me: alright, now blow it out
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that's how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.— meh (@bonehugsnirony) August 22, 2017
You're not allowed to make up words. It's illexical— Dropped Mike (@rebrafsim) September 29, 2017
A wise man once said, "I really don't know enough about this topic to offer any advice or opinion".— Tinker Elle (@elle91) October 27, 2017