When sleeping with your wife, it is imperative to maintain certain societal standards. The same rules apply when sleeping with the wife of a fellow gentleman.
1 By keeping your eyes open at social functions and reputable soirees, locate the married woman you most desire to sleep with in a secretive manner.
2 Introduce yourself to the woman and let it be known through heavy flirtation, arm touching, and eyebrow raising that you are interested in the ultimate transgression.
3 Send the woman a formal request to engage in an affair via handwritten letter, candy gram, or tasteful dick pic.
4 Have your secretary inform the woman’s gentleman-husband that you are sleeping with his wife and request that he not be present for the intercourse.
5 If he inquires about the availability of your own wife, let him know if she is currently seeing any other gentlemen, and if she has an adequate schedule to participate in an affair of her own.
6 Meet the woman and her servant at a prearranged location, often a hotel.
7 Have your servants undress you in front of each other, placing your clothes neatly on the hotel bed. Take a moment to stare at each other’s naked bodies, taking in the sight of the forbidden flesh.
8 Consume an alcoholic beverage, so as to either lessen or heighten any remaining feelings of guilt.
9 Using an abrasive pumice stone, have your servants vigorously scrub you and the woman’s skin, ensuring any and all lingering skin flakes of married partners has been removed.
10 Inform servants they may retire to the hotel bathroom until you have completed your act of indiscretion.
11 Stand atop the bed. Hold each other’s hands and say, “We shall now engage in a sexual act of indecency. May our bodies be free and our hearts intoxicated in the spirit of betrayal.”
12 Screw like vodka-addled rabbits.
13 Smoke a cigarette. Call your wife and ask her if she needs anything from the grocery store. She will understand this to mean you have just ejaculated into the vagina of another woman, and she should not expect sexual intercourse for the next ten hours.
14 Instruct your servant to call the front desk and have the maids informed that sexual fluids have been released upon the mattress.
15 If you wish to continue the affair, have your secretary let the woman know in a detailed sexual message, highlighting future acts you would enjoy completing with her as well as emphasizing how much you enjoyed her company.
16 Return to work and remind your servant that if he or she says anything they are fired and you will ruin them.
This article originally appeared on The Occasional