Halloween night approaches...as kids it wasn’t really a scary time. Well yes, back in our day we had those one piece ultra-flammable costumes that tied around your neck and came with the plastic mask with minimal eye holes held to your face with an elastic band and two staples. Seeing where you were going when you walked was a challenge...but not really much of one since we ran from door to door. And it was a pain in the ass that our catholic school actually expected us to “Trick Or Treat For UNICEF” as if we were going to fart around waving a paper coin bank at neighbors and total strangers when there were giant bars of chocolate to be had (and we mean actual big bars of candy... Chunky’s the size of your fist...Mounds and Hershey’s and Fifth Avenue’s as heavy as gold bullion)...our Mom filled the UNICEF bank while we worked on our diabetic coma.
And in our day there was a thing called tic tacing...where you would throw dried corn at a house’s windows. Later, this type of wholesome prank was replaced by drive-by shootings. Much like the innocent tipping over of Outhouses in our Grandfather’s time gave way to the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby.
But these days...our lives are nuthin but scary thoughts...so we thought we’d share a few:
* Whenever we turn on FOX news for some grins and giggles and are met with the corpse like visages of BOTH Brit Hume and Charles Krauthammer. One is frightening enough. The two together will stop your heart.
* Flicking channels and finding Carville&Matalin.
(see scary thought above)
That anyone would think the CDW commercials with the guy in the Hawaiian shirt on the deserted island are in anyway remotely interesting. That's frightening.
For real, the Green Fingers episode of Night Gallery.
For real, that anyone would base their vote on a “thought” from Joe The Plumber.
That one of us (Jerry) finds himself sexually attracted to US Rep. Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee.
That at any moment and without warning your four hour erection could be interrupted by loss of vision or hearing.
Apparently..somewhere among us are repentant domestic terrorists.
That Pat Robertson once ran for President and people voted for him.
That Jerry Lewis is still doing the "dribbling water out of his mouth as he begins to talk after taking a drink" gag in his '80s.
* That John McCain has conducted himself in this campaign with all the aplomb of a spastic gibbering hemorrhoid...and people will vote for him.
Hope you get all the Treats you need this Halloween. As for us..we “got a rock”.