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August 27, 2013

The Miley Cyrus backlash has been swift and furious thus far. But maybe we're all looking at it wrong?


The Miley Cyrus VMA backlash has been swift and furious thus far.  Sometimes hilarious, sometimes far too serious, and for the most part, scathing.   I will not attempt an educated discussion about misogyny, or role models, nor do I care too.   Nor do I REALLY know what misogyny means, and my computer corrected the spelling for me, so that’s good.  I only really have one question:


Maybe we’re all looking at it wrong?


It was her party, she did what she want.   

So Miley wanted to rock some unfortunate pigtails, a weird teddy bear bikini, try to lick her shoulder a lot (?), and bring her giant foam finger out to play?  Meh, I can think of worse things.  She wasn’t singing “Same Love” for Christ’s sake (although that would have been AMAZING). The song is an exercise in excess, so why not blow it out on national television? It’s the VMA’s, shit’s supposed to get weird, or else why would we watch, to see people get awards for videos we’ve never seen?  Nope.  It’s a car wreck we all rubberneck at for 2-7 hours (we pause a lot), hoping to see carnage.  Well, Miley’s performance was a 30-car pile up of “what the fuck?”  And I couldn’t be happier.   She did what she want.  She did what WE want.  In the words of Maximus, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!!!”


She danced like no one was watching, knowing millions were. 

Is there nothing more ballsy and awesome?   Most of us shuffle through life not doing shit, out of fear or making excuses to ourselves until we die full of regret, when deep down we know, like the dude from Dazed and Confused, “…I wanna DANCE!”   Sure, it seemed like rehearsals and any kind of formal training whatsoever we’re left to” JT and Friends”, but doesn’t that just make it more incredible?  This chick went out there, armed only with a 6 pack of "4-Loco", 50 black folks in teddy bear suits, and a dream.   What have you dreamed of lately, and are you doing half as much as her to actively pursue them?   Probably not.   Miley, 1.  Us, 0. 


(Side note:  She twerked (kinda…), surrounded by black girls!   That’s like cooking dinner for the Iron Chef.  And guess what? She never looked nervous, or self-conscious, she just did her own awkward thang.   Come to think of it, she was probably having more fun than any other person on the planet at that particular moment.  On the PLANET!)


She touched Robin Thicke’s junk. Then went back for seconds.

Listen ladies, call her a whore from whore island all you want, but the way you’ve all been swooning over this dude lately, you should probably build a shrine to Lil’ Miley.  She’s been to the promise land.  Don’t hate the player.  “You know you want it…”


“BUT HE”S MARRIED!”, you say?   Ohhhh you hypocritical cunts, judging from every girl I’ve ever met ever, going after a married man seems to be a right of passage for ladies in their early 20’s.   Just like having sex in a dirty club bathroom.  And guess what? Miley is 20.  Right. On. Schedule.


"BUT SHE"S ENGAGED!", you say?  Ohhhh, you hypocritical cunts... ( um, maybe I'm hanging out with the wrong crowd?)


I also heard Robin Thicke didn’t know she was gonna do it.  Fine Robin, I’ll take your word for it, but that’s no excuse to shake your leg like a dog when she backs her little riblets up on ya.  Or for stealing the "Beetlejuice Suit" from Planet Hollywood and wearing it out in public.   Alan is probably rolling over in his grave.  Wait, Alan Thicke is ALIVE?   Yay!


She got behind a 7 foot black girl, motor-boated her ass mid-twerk, and lived to tell about it.

That’s some Steve Irwin shit right there! (Pre-him not living to tell about it).  While most of us tend to flee from danger, Miley is not afraid to dive face first into adventure. I am envious of her heroic spirit, knowing she was one good ass pop away from being flung backwards off the catwalk into an abyss of IPhone cameras and screaming teens. 


We could all use a little more adventure in our lives, right?  A little more living?  Well Miley Cyrus, barely out of her teens, has probably lived 10 times the life most of us have.   She’s had to put it all out there, for better or for worse, for most of her life, which the majority of us couldn’t begin to comprehend.   Hell, I was on a commercial ONCE, for a few seconds, and when someone recognized me on the street I would simultaneously have a panic attack/ almost shit my pants.  So the collective balls we have to pick apart her one performance out of THOUSANDS, from our safe, comfy couches, must be enormous.   


My point is simply this:  Love or hate the performance, let’s not lose sight of how inconsequential it all was, in the grand scheme of things (I’m looking at you, Syria).  Instead of tearing apart a young girl for being a young girl, or reading into things and putting unnecessary importance on them (But what about our CHILDREN?!?  Do you own a computer? They’ve seen worse…) maybe we can all learn something from this courageous young lass, who’s just out there, day after day,  doing her thing.  Doing it for us, might I remind you?   She’s an entertainer, not the God Damn President.  She ENTERTAINS, and judging by all the buzz going on right now, I say good job, Miley.  Mission accomplished.  


You did what you want.  Even if we’re still not sure what the hell it was.