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December 02, 2014
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Thank God 'Wild Things' didn't come out this year or critics would have a way different Top 10 Film list.

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As we enter December, critics everywhere have begun compiling their Top Films of 2014. And in a year that brought us such diverse fare as Boyhood and Interstellar, this will certainly be no easy task. One thing’s for sure: Movie studios must be THRILLED Wild Things came out in 1998. Cause let’s be honest — that would easily be the Best Picture of 2014.

But since John McNaughton’s erotic masterpiece is ineligible for inclusion, here are my personal picks for Best Films of 2014.

10. The Theory of Everything
This made the list by the skin of its teeth so must be thanking its lucky stars Wild Things came out 17 years ago. Otherwise, sorry Eddie Redmayne, but you wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of making anyone’s Top 10. Wild Things would be #1 (duh), everything else would be bumped down a notch and Theory of Everything would be left off the list entirely. Hilarious Stephen Hawking impression, though. Very, very good.

9. Boyhood
Far and away the most ambitious film on the list. Shot over 12 years, Boyhood shows newcomer Ellar Coltrane’s life from ages 6–18. Curiously missing from this film, though, are ages 14–17 where the boy does nothing but masturbate to Neve Campbell, Denise Richards, and Matt Dillon’s Wild Things three-way. I mean maybe those scenes were cut for time and will be on the DVD?? Or maybe the MPAA doesn’t let you show 15-year-olds nutting on screen? (Do they? I have no idea.) Whatever the reason, it’s a glaring omission. Also starring Patricia Arquette as “Mom.”

8. Gone Girl
Wow, is Ben Affleck was great in David Fincher’s latest. He was even brave enough to show his penis in a shower scene! Though, to be fair, he didn’t show quite as much of it as one KEVIN BACON did in HIS shower scene from Wild Things. That dude just let it all hang out — none of this “side penis” stuff. Otherwise, yeah, really good film.

7. Unbroken
Angelina Jolie steps behind the camera to direct the true story of Olympian and WWII hero Louie Zamperini. I can only assume she recently saw Wild Things on HBO Go and was like, “Denise Richards is way too hot — I should just be a director. There’s no point in me acting anymore cause I’m neither as pretty nor as talented.” No one blames you, Angie.

6. Foxcatcher
Here’s a fox I want catch: Neve Campbell! I really like this movie but she wasn’t in it so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

5. St. Vincent
Bill Murray stars as sleazy lawyer Kenneth Bowden in this bayou tale of sex and deceit. Oh shit. That was actually his much better role in Wild Things. I think in St. Vincent Bill Murray plays a guy named St. Vincent? He’s great in it, but no doubt he must be getting annoyed at all the Wild Things comparisons. It’s like one perfect role and you’re typecast for life?! Very unfair IMO.

4. The Imitation Game
Benedict Pumpkinpatch plays Alan Turing, a brilliant scientist tasked with cracking Nazi Germany’s Enigma Code. Excellent acting paired with gorgeous cinematography made this an easy pick for #4. Expect an Academy nomination and probable win for Mr. Sourpatch. But SPEAKING OF IMITATIONS — STAY AWAY FROM WILD THINGS 2. It was a completely unnecessary sequel that basically retold the first story with lesser actors and a smaller budget. And you’re probably like, “Well, what about Susan Ward?” And yeah, she’s smoking hot, obvi. But if that’s all you’re watching for then just save your time and rent The in Crowd. Way better film and if it were the year 2000, that would totally be on my list, too.

3. Selma
I didn’t watch this; I watched Wild Things on Netflix instead. But people said it was good.

2. Interstellar
A lot of people think I love Wild Things just cause of the girl-on-girl stuff. And it’s true, that’s a big part of it. But honestly? It’s a genuinely good mystery. You think you know who is double crossing who but then something happens and you find out you’re way off. There are some seriously solid twists and reveals in this movie. Super fun watch. Great rainy-day movie if you haven’t seen it yet.

1. Whiplash
The #1 best film of 2014! Miles Teller stars as a drumming prodigy serving under the harsh tutelage of jazz master J.K. Simmons. This film’s already been nominated for multiple Independent Spirit Awards so look for it to make a lot of noise this coming awards season. Interesting side note, the first time I saw Wild Things my dick got whiplash cause it shot up too fast! I had to spend the next year of my life in the hospital and my parents’ insurance refused to cover it.

All in all, it’s been a great but decidedly less sexy year for film in 2014. All eyes are on 2015 and see you at the cinema. (Maybe.) (Probably not.) (I’m just gonna stay home actually and watch W.T.)

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