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Published December 07, 2008

 I check Facebook like a West Hollywood parking enforcer checks coin meters.

 Here's my social networking site inner monologue over the years:

“Friendster? What the...?”

“Do I even have pictures on my computer to upload?”

“What? Myspace?”

“Who’s Tom?”

“Tom is kinda hot.”

“Huh. So, if I like somebody, I can pretty much learn everything about them. Huh"



“Myspace is sooooo corporate now, eww Tom.”

“Facebook? That's for college kids.”

“I’d feel like a cougar roaming around little league players.”

“Scarbulous? Like scrabble, but less copyright infringement you say?”

“You? Really!?!  Aren’t you too old??”

“No, I don’t want to be a Vampire...”

“Or a zombie...”

“Or buy you as a pet.”

“I mean, how many ‘lil green patch requests can I get in one day?”


" “What are you doing right now?”; Facebook, you’re nosey.”

“That picture is fugly. Should I just untag myself?

“Time to change my status.”


“It’s probably time to change my status again.”

“I mean, I just did, but probably time to change my status.”

“Holy hell, she’s got a baby now!”

“Holy hell! They're “in a relationship” and EVERYONE knows.

“Chris is blah blah blah Obama. Blah Palin Blah Blah BLOWS!”

“Fun. Tagged pictures of people from something I didn’t go to.”

“WTF? Post Videos? Oooo, commenting on videos....oooooo.”

“If I go back and erase my status updates on my profile, it won’t look like I update them too frequently! Genius, Chris, genius.”

"Remember to keep it chill on Facebook Chris. No pictures of you, drunk, molesting a life-size Hillary cut-out."