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March 31, 2010


Rejoice! Rotwang made a weblog.

"Come all you Magellans, come with me I've got pie."

Today's episode:

"Funny and Alive!"

Namaste. My fellow starchildren, I am now a new man.

Gone are the days of my negativity, my venom, my vitrol. I've thrown out my dvd of Road Warrior. I've quit my MMA classes, and taken up crochet. Everything is beautiful to me now. It's all so clear.

If it isn't obvious yet, I'll just say it:

I have become a devotee of Lord Sri Krishna.

Rotwang in Times Square on tuesday. 

I would like to ask that you please forgive all of my past trespasses. Your videos are all beautiful, in their own way. For truly, isn't the most joyous thing our laughter? Should we not all laugh at everything as much as we can? We should even laugh at the FOD Presents show, as hard that may be to do. Don't be a Mr. Mumpy McGrumpy pants.

Please, join me. Never vote die on a video. Videos are the children of this community. The fruit of our loins. You wouldn't vote that a child should die, would you? The die button is only there to test us. After all, "FOD" rhymes with "GOD". FOD is testing us. Let us bow our heads and kneel to FOD.

So, my friends- we could all make some changes to become more positive.

Clay, instead of opening a "can of toughen the [naughty word] up", how about a can of lavendar scented soy milk, and offer it to the woman you love as she grows that beautiful being that will become my child. I mean- your child.

Amy, my lovely dearest. You are practically a Krishna yourself. Rays of sunshine beam from your every orifice. Yea, that one too. I would like a video from you where you teach Bob to sing the song of my peace-loving people, wearing a little orange toga. Cute pet videos are my new favorite!

Butch Jackson- instead of trying to make me crazy, surely you could make a video titled "making Rotwang unite with his inner woman"? Oh wait, you already did. Well then, at least could you please, stop killing trees.


WSS- You posted something negative to the world, and karma sent negativity back toward you. Thus, you are now positive.
-1 * -1 = 1. I rejoice.

And you, oh holiest and purest of pregnant nearly-mothers, mpg. Put down the cigarrettes, marijuanna, and alcohol, from which you are clearly still imbibing. Bat aside Clay's unquenchable lingam. Allow my bab- Clay's baby to grow, in the (very) wide velvet passageway of your sacred palace. May your garden of chrysanthemums give rise to an eagerly suckling honey bee, lovingly receiving the river of nector from the mountainous twin hills of your countryside. After all, I now share something new in common with Clay- I not only have the (thorough) knowledge of your yoni, but now he and I share the same haircut, as will your newborn infant. I too am now a cute little bald girl.

Read the chant and memorize it! 

Trident, I have a confession to make. I've lied about something many times in the past. The truth is this:
You. Yes, you. You are more rapper than me. It's true.

christinacalph- A fair haired girl living in my fair city. Come over so that we may, um, explore the deepest parts of our inner beings. Especially yours. And bring those pain killers you got from the dentist. So that we may, um, reach a higher spiritual plane together. TEEHEE.

To tDm, Icronic, Rhiann0n, fissurefilms, bubbalicious, and all of you other cappers- sarcasm and irony are the work of the devil. Instead, make us laugh with the lighter sides of your pure heart. Let's not "cap" images anymore. Let's "uncap" them, so that they may fly freely. As you must know, tongue-in-cheek humor has no place here on funnyordie. (And please, don't make a lusty joke about "tongue-in-cheek" here. I'm looking at you, tDm.)

gottadime- No, no, my friend. Give a dime.

dicksuckchamp- I have never met you. But I would very, very much like to meet you. As soon as possible. Urgently. Repeatedly.

you have already
lead the way, by supporting
the art of haiku.


And please, help me when I stumble, as I walk along my new path. Please, by all means, delete my comments from your blog posts unless they are light and airy, sweet, and pure. It's easy to control what people say to us. Just remove their negative words, and then everything they say will be nice. Right?

And from now on I will turn the other cheek to those who spam, and spam, and spam to raise their ranking to a higher echelon. Let's not even use an ugly word like "Spam". Let's not call them "spammers". Let's call them something spiritual, like "Shockras Communicating Universal Mantras". Well, I guess that name's a little too long. Maybe we'll use the acronym for that for short.

Instead of helping FOD staff with their spam filtration system, I'm going to use my powers for something better- filtering out all negativity from the mothering FOD forest that we all energize from. Saying something negative shall be forbidden.

Which brings us to today's mantra:

Honesty is a negative force in our universe, it is born of the dark side, it is the malicious enemy of love, happiness, and most of all, faith.

Finally, starchildren, let me no longer be known by the name of that sad old, dark character, "Rotwang".

Instead, I will rise out of that deep pit, and bathe in the light. By losing my name, I will shed my scaled skin, and leave my old imbalanced ways behind.

And with the christening of my new namesake, I will become born again, into the world of peace and beauty, and love.

And now, as I am drawn in to the loving arms of my Krishna brothers and sisters,

Let me now and forever be known by the name: