This episode starts with Lord Harrison narrating the events of last week: “Evan wasn’t ready for a premature ejection… and rose to the occasion… putting Amanda in a hard spot.” They’re not even pretending to not be mocking Dick Pastor Evan.
Dick Pastor Evan asks out Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda
Dick Pastor Evan’s confessional: “Earlier, Carly gave me the friend zone talk.” But he’s not giving up and is going to ask Amanda out. Evan is wearing fucking sweatpants for this interaction?
Evan: “I’m going to go give Amanda a self-made date card and see if there’s maybe a chance.”
Evan pulls Amanda off of Josh’s dick and takes her to his special spot. She is confused and doesn’t realize Evan planned this at first, “Do you know what this is?” Evan: “I totally came here for you.”
Evan: “I think you’re amazing. I’ve been watching you from afar.” WTF.
Meanwhile, Asshole Josh makes a point of relaxing, HARD. Someone: “Señor, este su pizza?” Accordion music starts playing as Josh makes love to a pizza.
He makes the same grotesque moaning noises eating as he does making out with Amanda. Josh: “If you have not had a pizza in Mexico before, it’s pretty darn good.”
Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda starts crying and turns down Evan to focus on Josh though she “genuinely believes he deserves someone so great.”
Dick Pastor Evan: “Talking to Amanda after stealing her away from a makeout sesh, I wasn’t expecting like, a love-fest. I was expecting maybe like a glimmer of hope– and I think I might have gotten that… There was a spark in her eyes.” Seriously what drugs do I take to become this delusionally confident?
Evan trips as he brings Amanda back to Asshole Josh. Josh and Bachelor Nation laugh. Josh pointedly doesn’t see Evan as a threat so he has continued to eat an entire pizza.
Josh scarfs it down as Amanda tells him what happened.
Josh makes THIS FACE hearing about Dick Pastor Evan’s pathetic attempts on his woman.
Josh: “You in high demand over here!”
It’s really gross as Josh smugly chews in his confessional shit-talking Evan: “I think Evan is probably going home so, um, I think it worked out pretty well.”
Then of course, a Pizza covers the Moon. Really into the artistic risk-taking that BIP is evolving season by season.
Magical music plays as everyone prepares for the cocktail party. Damn Daniel shaves Barber Vinny’s back and then they high-five.
Lord Harrison enters and can’t get over how disgustingly sweaty Asshole Josh is.
Josh blames it on sitting next to a hot woman.
Amanda: “It’s really hot.” She doesn’t look hot at all.
Meanwhile Vile Nick Viall and Dick Pastor Evan stand behind everyone in a corner.
Christian pulls aside Sarah first. Christian’s confessional: “I’m an aggressive type of man. I’m dominant.”
Damn Daniel interrupts. Christian: “Ugh, Damn Daniel!”
Damn Daniel: “‘Cause I like her.”
Damn Daniel’s confessional: “She’s the best one in the house.”
Damn Daniel points out to her how his leg is shaking uncontrollably from how “giddy” she’s making him.
Then he gets stung by a bee, or as he puts it “a bee came along and tried to impregnate my chin.” Damn Daniel: “Luckily it didn’t hurt that much and it’s not on my lip.”
Meanwhile, Dud Brandon is 100% sure Twin Haley is giving him the rose. Twin Haley’s not sure, due to him not being able to tell her apart from her identical twin sister in the same outfit, purposefully trying to trick him.
Dick Pastor Evan: “I got rejected twice in one day… There’s no way I’m getting a rose tonight. But before I leave here I know what I gotta do tonight.” What cockamamie plan does he gotta do tonight?
Damn Daniel and Sarah watch Dick Pastor Evan approach a shockingly-lip-locked Josh and Amanda AGAIN. Damn Daniel and Sarah watch the train wreck. Damn Daniel: “Josh is not happy.”
Evan tells Amanda to be careful. “There’s some verbal abuse claims.”
Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda’s confessional: “I don’t think he would have came up and said that to me, unless he was really looking out for me.”
Amanda explains the situation to Lace who reiterates Evan’s warnings “as women.”
Lace immediately runs to tell Firefighter Grant this story and is so drunk she doesn’t realize Josh is right there.
Josh’s confessional: “Evan was bringing up the fictional story that my ex has written about me and trying to make me look bad in front of Amanda… You don’t just go behind people’s backs and talk about them… I think that’s very immature, um, and a very low thing to do.”
Asshole Josh approaches Amanda. Amanda tries to avoid the Evan subject. Josh: “You still like him after somebody tries to lie though and all that kind of stuff? I think that was very disrespectful.”
Asshole Josh pulls Dick Pastor Evan for a One-on-One
Evan approaches. Josh: “Let’s have a little chat real quick, brother… Is there anything you need to tell me?”
Josh’s confessional: The book characterizes him “in a negative light and talking a lot of lies.”
Amanda to Lace: “I told Josh not even to talk to Evan about it.”
Josh to Evan: “Everybody has judgments and that’s what’s tough with everything. Sometimes I judge and it’s not right. We should never judge no matter what.”
Josh: “Don’t judge me based on what you just feel.”
Asshole Josh: “God knows the truth. That’s all that matters to me. I love, just loving, man. And to be honest with you, I like getting along with people. I feel like it’s such a short life. Try to make a positive impact.”
Evan: “You’re so polished, dude.”
Josh: “What is so polished about me though?”
Josh: “I’m not putting on any front. I will never put on a front.”
Evan’s confessional: “His polish has polish.”
Josh: “I don’t respect when I’m talked about or tried to make – put down in a negative light. I love life, man.”
Evan: “This is your chance to tell your side.”
Josh: “The facts are that it’s a fiction about me. The facts are that it’s a fictional story. There’s a lot of things that were said that were very negative and very untrue.”
Evan: “Then why wouldn’t you sue her for libel?”
Josh: “Why even acknowledge something that’s so fictional, so untrue? You’ve gotta try to take the high road as a gentleman and it doesn’t matter what’s said about you. At the end of the day with me I’m a very spiritual person. I believe God has a plan always no matter what. That’s 100%.”
Asshole Josh: “As much as there is to say or could be to say… You’re never going to get the truth because the truth is what hurt that other person so much. And it sounds weird but I pray for her happiness. I hope she moves on from whatever it is that happened. And there’s no reason to explain myself. That’s it. Period.”
Dick Pastor Evan: “There’s an ocean of words but there’s no thoughts… I feel like he was spouting inspirational quotes at me, and people like that have a lot of pain… In my limited experience with him, I feel like one day this guy’s just gonna explode.”
Nick’s confessional: “Hopefully Josh is the guy that Amanda hopes he is.”
Vile Nick Viall slides in to talk to Amanda. Nick: “I have a general idea of what it says about Josh. I hope Andi didn’t make all that up because what she said was some pretty nasty stuff. ”
Nick: “I hope to God it’s completely false and completely fictional. Like, I was in Andi’s book. Some of it, it’s true. Like, it happened. There’s some truth but a lot of inaccuracies about me. I don’t know if he’s a good guy or bad guy. I don’t know if what was written was true or false. I think you’re a smart girl and I think you’ll figure it out.”
Josh once again tells Amanda he thinks it’s disrespectful to gossip, “I like you a lot… To try to ruin that just for one last ditch effort and stuff, I definitely lose a lot of respect for people like that. I’m a very upfront and honest person.”
They’re trying to play it like Amanda might not give the rose to Josh lol.
Grant looks like he’s always posing for a romance novel cover. Lace gives him her rose: “Thanks for ‘Grace-ing’ me with your presence.”
Dick Pastor Evan’s confessional: “I’ve gotten a bunch of little sisters here that I’m very protective over. I somehow always get stuck in this self-assigned protector role.”
Josh kisses Amanda in the rose ceremony. Nick: “The whole PDA is aggressive and Josh is a bit of an overbearing guy. When you really pay attention to what Josh says, it seems disingenuous.”
Sarah gives rose to Damn Daniel. AW!!!
Carly gives her rose to Evan. Carly: “Evan definitely knows that this is definitely a platonic rose. I think.”
Evan: “I’ve got a new lease on love and I haven’t closed the door on Carly.”
Evan: “She may have closed the door on me but accidentally forgot to lock it so maybe I can sneak back in.”
Dud Brandon: “[Haley’s] gonna give me the rose and we’re going to continue our relationship that we’ve begun. And she seems like she really wants the same thing for a future.”
Nope, nope, nope. Twin Haley: “Nick! You deserve to find love, will you accept this rose?
Is the Twin Package still in effect? Is that why she’s so cavalier with her rose? Beautiful Christian and Dud Brandon leave.
Brandon: “Well, that was weird. It’s pretty confusing to be honest. She gave me all the signals that were there that she was feeling it.”
Dick Pastor Evan toasts: “To the pursuit of love, and all of its twists and turns. Heart emoji.”
Asshole Josh shit-talks Vile Nick Viall in his confessional: “The little fucker put me in a bad mood.”
The Next Day…
Vile Nick Viall works out to prepare for his continuing journey to find love. I think we’re meant to believe that he’s an underdog.
Nick bitches about Amanda and Josh’s PDA again, comparing it to couples groping each other in middle school. He doesn’t get why Josh is bear-hugging Amanda in a “99 degree room.”
Caila Enters Paradise
They play royal princess music as Caila walks in. I’m glad we get musical cues on each entrance to know how to feel emotionally about the Contestant right off the bat.
The guys all scream: “It’s Caila!” “Caila!” “Caila!!”
Jorge: “Oh this just got good.”
Caila interviews the guys. She tells Nick she decided to come “two days ago” which feels unlikely. Jared brainstorms whom she’ll ask out and Sarah suggests him.
Twin Emily: “She has the most perfect hair. Perfect body. There’s literally nothing wrong with her.” She’s very perturbed that someone is on BIP who is actually a great person to date and not a deeply flawed human being.
Twin Emily: “She comes off as perfect. Sometimes it comes off as condescending. I don’t know. What does condescending mean?”
Carly: “I spent the entire summer with Jared and his face has not lit up like it did with Caila ever.”
Caila: Dating in NY is hard.
Twin Emily: “Fuck.” Caila asks Jared on the date, he comes his pants, and says OK, one sec lemme talk to that one twin that’s gonna be butthurt about this.
Twin Emily: “I want you to go. Let’s just leave it at that.”
Jared: “You know how wonderful you are?”
Twin Emily: “Obviously he wanted to go because he said yes.”
Twin Emily: “I’ve always kind of broken hearts. I’ve never been the one that’s heartbroken.”
Vile Nick Viall: “I have been dumped twice on national television. It’s OK to be hurt. It’s OK to not want him to have a good time on this date.”
Twin Emily holds onto the only belief that gives her solace: “No one falls in love on a horse.”
Caila’s Date with Jared
They go horseback riding and it’s clearly not the boner-killer that Emily had been hoping for.
Caila: “Jared looks so manly on the horse.”
Jared: “She’s looking at me with those big brown eyes and I’m like, ‘Oh, OK. Alllllrighty then.’”
Back in Paradise…
Meanwhile, Damn Daniel puts water in Vinny’s belly button with a straw and then sucks it out. Damn Daniel is a precious gift and I… love… him? Is this Stockholm Syndrome?
Lace: “Grant and I have been like, a day one couple.”
Twin Emily is still upset and still really bitchy: “I’m like, prettier and I’m just as sweet.”
Twin Emily: “I wonder if I’m the better kisser. She has fat lips though so she’s probably better.”
Caila and Jared return. Dick Pastor Evan tries to break the awkward tension of them ignoring Twin Emily by offering, “Chicken tenders?”
Twin Emily: “For once I just want someone to pick me.”
Jared pulls Twin Emily aside and sets up this conversation like he’s going to pick her.
Twin Emily’s confessional: “I feel like an idiot. Because I care.”
Emily: “I don’t want to cry because I, like look cute right now.”
Twin Emily’s got great faces. “I don’t get why people don’t like me. I feel like everyone always gets what they want and I never do.”
“I always meet great guys and like, they always pick someone else and they’re always uglier than me. So there must be something wrong with me.”
The First Double Date in Paradise History
The self-proclaimed “Fantastic Four” of Crazy Lace, Firefighter Grant, Onesie Izzy, and Barber Vinny go out to dinner. Izzy: “Cheers to a really fun night and making history!”
At dinner the Fantastic Four do what all couples do when they’ve been dating two days and start giving long, gushing speeches about their relationships.
Lace says the weirdest shit of the night to Vizzy: “I love watching you guys together.”
Izzy pulls out a line she’s been practicing for two days: “I’m totally in it to Vin it.”
Vinny: “We could have a two-for-one-wedding.”
Meanwhile, Back in Paradise…
Carly and Sarah have realized that they don’t need a date card to have a double date so they invite Damn Daniel and Dick Pastor Evan to their “apartment party”. They make a drinking game around Damn Danielisms which I will now be playing each BIP episode.
Damn Daniel does push-ups with Sarah on his back.
Dick Pastor Evan voluntarily sets himself up for failure and tries to do push-ups with Carly on his back.
Carly also has great faces and is one of my favorite BIP narrators: “Maybe we don’t put ourselves in that position?”
Carly: “Evan is so nice but he has no swag.” Damn Daniel tries to get them to hook up despite the swaglessness.
Carly: “Sometimes I’m incredibly creeped out by that man. And sometimes I really like him.”
Dick Pastor Evan tries to kiss Carly again as he drunkenly stumbles down to his room of sadness.
Evan: “There’s relationships happening and here I am alone.”
Evan is so drunk he can’t wake up.
Of course they go get Carly…
The MEDIC asks Carly to lay next to Dick Pastor Evan for observation.
Apparently Dick Pastor Evan has felt loopy all day because of his “ankle medication.” I wonder if it’s from tripping when he returned Amanda to Josh.
Carly: “I don’t know if Evan is faking but this is the most extreme anyone has gone for my affection.”
Back at Da Club…
The Fantastic Four are getting wasted.
Foam spills from the ceiling.
Then there’s some sort of Magic Mike performance.
Lace: “I’m laying on a floor in a Mexican bar with a man’s crotch in my face, like, humping it. ”
A random girl pours a bucket of ice water on Izzy as the guys are doing body shots off them.
Paradise Lonely Sad Sack Vile Nick Viall’s Sad Beach…
Vile Nick Viall looks out on an ocean as dark as his romantic past, wondering why he can’t find love.
We intercut his bitching and moaning with Sexy-Baby-Voiced-Amanda’s moaning in bed with Asshole Josh.
We get B-roll of metaphors for banging out. Flowers blooming imagery. Train going into a tunnel imagery. Water splashing on a rock. A gushing fountain. Fireworks exploding.
The Next Day
Josh drops a bagel on his hard-working dick.
He then asks Amanda to wipe it off.
Suddenly, there’s horror music as…
Ashley I. Joins Paradise
Ashley I: “I’m baaaaaaackkkk!”
Tag: The Contestants meet an iguana and someone asks, “Do you think it speaks Mexican?”
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