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August 19, 2016
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The Bachelor franchise leftovers go to Paradise to get drunk together, fight, and bang out.

This episode starts with Lord Harrison narrating the events of last week: “Evan wasn’t ready for a premature ejection… and rose to the occasion… putting Amanda in a hard spot.” They’re not even pretending to not be mocking Dick Pastor Evan.

Dick Pastor Evan asks out Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda

Dick Pastor Evan’s confessional: “Earlier, Carly gave me the friend zone talk.” But he’s not giving up and is going to ask Amanda out. Evan is wearing fucking sweatpants for this interaction?

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A knight in shining untied body-hugging sweatpants with bracelets.

Evan: “I’m going to go give Amanda a self-made date card and see if there’s maybe a chance.”

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I feel like despite her tongue down Josh’s throat and me being rejected by everyone else here, there’s a chance.

Evan pulls Amanda off of Josh’s dick and takes her to his special spot. She is confused and doesn’t realize Evan planned this at first, “Do you know what this is?” Evan: “I totally came here for you.”

Let me just brush the sweat-drenched pizza shards out of my hair.

Evan: “I think you’re amazing. I’ve been watching you from afar.” WTF.

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I think you’re amazing. I’ve been watching you from afar. Love the way you attach your hair extensions. Love LOVE the way you stab two little voodoo girl dolls before you go to sleep.

Meanwhile, Asshole Josh makes a point of relaxing, HARD. Someone: “SeƱor, este su pizza?” Accordion music starts playing as Josh makes love to a pizza.

He makes the same grotesque moaning noises eating as he does making out with Amanda. Josh: “If you have not had a pizza in Mexico before, it’s pretty darn good.”

Pretty darn good. Not as good as psychologically demeaning and fucking with a woman’s head, but pretty good.

Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda starts crying and turns down Evan to focus on Josh though she “genuinely believes he deserves someone so great.”

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I genuinely believe you deserve someone so great but I’m going to focus on the wayyy hotter guy right now? You get it…

Dick Pastor Evan: “Talking to Amanda after stealing her away from a makeout sesh, I wasn’t expecting like, a love-fest. I was expecting maybe like a glimmer of hope– and I think I might have gotten that… There was a spark in her eyes.” Seriously what drugs do I take to become this delusionally confident?

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It wasn’t a love-fest per say– but definitely a sparkle of possibility. It was a love-group-hang? Maybe a love-Netflix-and-chill?

Evan trips as he brings Amanda back to Asshole Josh. Josh and Bachelor Nation laugh. Josh pointedly doesn’t see Evan as a threat so he has continued to eat an entire pizza.

Josh scarfs it down as Amanda tells him what happened.

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Josh makes THIS FACE hearing about Dick Pastor Evan’s pathetic attempts on his woman.

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Josh: “You in high demand over here!”

It’s really gross as Josh smugly chews in his confessional shit-talking Evan: “I think Evan is probably going home so, um, I think it worked out pretty well.”

Then of course, a Pizza covers the Moon. Really into the artistic risk-taking that BIP is evolving season by season.

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Cocktail Party

Magical music plays as everyone prepares for the cocktail party. Damn Daniel shaves Barber Vinny’s back and then they high-five.

Here’s to Izzy not knowing your true form for three more days!

Lord Harrison enters and can’t get over how disgustingly sweaty Asshole Josh is.

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Josh blames it on sitting next to a hot woman.

Amanda: “It’s really hot.” She doesn’t look hot at all.

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Meanwhile Vile Nick Viall and Dick Pastor Evan stand behind everyone in a corner.

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CLUE: Dick Pastor Evan is a dick angel???

Christian pulls aside Sarah first. Christian’s confessional: “I’m an aggressive type of man. I’m dominant.”

I said NO tongue, SARAH. TF do you think you’re doing? Who exactly do you think is dominating this make out sesh?!

Damn Daniel interrupts. Christian: “Ugh, Damn Daniel!”

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Ugh, Damn Daniel! How on EARTH are you beating me in the contest for this woman’s heart when you are clearly not of this planet?!

Damn Daniel: “‘Cause I like her.”

Damn Daniel’s confessional: “She’s the best one in the house.”

Damn Daniel points out to her how his leg is shaking uncontrollably from how “giddy” she’s making him.

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On the scale of one to giddy AF, this leg shake is a giddy AF.

Then he gets stung by a bee, or as he puts it “a bee came along and tried to impregnate my chin.” Damn Daniel: “Luckily it didn’t hurt that much and it’s not on my lip.”

Conveniently it didn’t sting my stinger, either.

Meanwhile, Dud Brandon is 100% sure Twin Haley is giving him the rose. Twin Haley’s not sure, due to him not being able to tell her apart from her identical twin sister in the same outfit, purposefully trying to trick him.

We hope so too. A lot is riding on this.

Dick Pastor Evan: “I got rejected twice in one day… There’s no way I’m getting a rose tonight. But before I leave here I know what I gotta do tonight.” What cockamamie plan does he gotta do tonight?

Damn Daniel and Sarah watch Dick Pastor Evan approach a shockingly-lip-locked Josh and Amanda AGAIN. Damn Daniel and Sarah watch the train wreck. Damn Daniel: “Josh is not happy.”

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Evan tells Amanda to be careful. “There’s some verbal abuse claims.”

Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda’s confessional: “I don’t think he would have came up and said that to me, unless he was really looking out for me.”

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Yep, I really can’t think of any other possible motive in the universe that he could have had to said that to me.

Amanda explains the situation to Lace who reiterates Evan’s warnings “as women.”

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Wtf is this Womyn wearing though

Lace immediately runs to tell Firefighter Grant this story and is so drunk she doesn’t realize Josh is right there.

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Josh’s confessional: “Evan was bringing up the fictional story that my ex has written about me and trying to make me look bad in front of Amanda… You don’t just go behind people’s backs and talk about them… I think that’s very immature, um, and a very low thing to do.”

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Josh says to camera behind Evan’s back.

Asshole Josh approaches Amanda. Amanda tries to avoid the Evan subject. Josh: “You still like him after somebody tries to lie though and all that kind of stuff? I think that was very disrespectful.”

Asshole Josh pulls Dick Pastor Evan for a One-on-One

Evan approaches. Josh: “Let’s have a little chat real quick, brother… Is there anything you need to tell me?”

Josh’s confessional: The book characterizes him “in a negative light and talking a lot of lies.”

Amanda to Lace: “I told Josh not even to talk to Evan about it.”

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So weird. It’s almost as if he disrespects women completely and doesn’t believe their opinions are worth anything.

Josh to Evan: “Everybody has judgments and that’s what’s tough with everything. Sometimes I judge and it’s not right. We should never judge no matter what.”

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For instance, I thought the MILF would put out on Night 1, Night 2 TOPS, but even I can be wrong sometimes.

Josh: “Don’t judge me based on what you just feel.”

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Don’t judge me based on what you just feel, judge me by what I tell you is true about myself.

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Asshole Josh: “God knows the truth. That’s all that matters to me. I love, just loving, man. And to be honest with you, I like getting along with people. I feel like it’s such a short life. Try to make a positive impact.”

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Evan: “You’re so polished, dude.”
Josh: “What is so polished about me though?”

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What’s so polished about me though? Have you NEVER talked to a guy who had a teleprompter on him at all times?

Josh: “I’m not putting on any front. I will never put on a front.”

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My only front is upfront, brother.

Evan’s confessional: “His polish has polish.”

Josh: “I don’t respect when I’m talked about or tried to make – put down in a negative light. I love life, man.”

Evan: “This is your chance to tell your side.”

Josh: “The facts are that it’s a fiction about me. The facts are that it’s a fictional story. There’s a lot of things that were said that were very negative and very untrue.”

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I mean, I already did a visual crotch analysis through your shorts and I can tell you’ve got a popper for sure.

Evan: “Then why wouldn’t you sue her for libel?”

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Josh: “Why even acknowledge something that’s so fictional, so untrue? You’ve gotta try to take the high road as a gentleman and it doesn’t matter what’s said about you. At the end of the day with me I’m a very spiritual person. I believe God has a plan always no matter what. That’s 100%.”

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I believe God has a plan for me always no matter what. He planned me to win The Bachelorette and not abuse Andi AT ALL. Then his plan was for us to break up and her write a book about me falsely saying that I verbally abused her. And then God’s plan was for a Former Pastor Current Dick Doctor to confront me about the book. 100%.

Asshole Josh: “As much as there is to say or could be to say… You’re never going to get the truth because the truth is what hurt that other person so much. And it sounds weird but I pray for her happiness. I hope she moves on from whatever it is that happened. And there’s no reason to explain myself. That’s it. Period.”

POINT. COUNTERPOINT. AND ET CETERA.

Dick Pastor Evan: “There’s an ocean of words but there’s no thoughts… I feel like he was spouting inspirational quotes at me, and people like that have a lot of pain… In my limited experience with him, I feel like one day this guy’s just gonna explode.”

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He’s gonna just explode. And not in the good way that I’ve devoted my life to.

Nick’s confessional: “Hopefully Josh is the guy that Amanda hopes he is.”

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Vile Nick Viall slides in to talk to Amanda. Nick: “I have a general idea of what it says about Josh. I hope Andi didn’t make all that up because what she said was some pretty nasty stuff. ”

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Of course, not as nasty as MAKING love to me when she wasn’t IN love with me…

Nick: “I hope to God it’s completely false and completely fictional. Like, I was in Andi’s book. Some of it, it’s true. Like, it happened. There’s some truth but a lot of inaccuracies about me. I don’t know if he’s a good guy or bad guy. I don’t know if what was written was true or false. I think you’re a smart girl and I think you’ll figure it out.”

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*Technically* me slut-shaming her on national television did *happen*…

Josh once again tells Amanda he thinks it’s disrespectful to gossip, “I like you a lot… To try to ruin that just for one last ditch effort and stuff, I definitely lose a lot of respect for people like that. I’m a very upfront and honest person.”

Don’t you see the sincerity spraying out from within me and glistening all over my face?

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I’m telling you, there’s nothing behind the greasy, aggressive, sleaze-ball.

They’re trying to play it like Amanda might not give the rose to Josh lol.

It’s now the arbitrary time to give out some arbitrary tokens of love!

Rose Ceremony

Grant looks like he’s always posing for a romance novel cover. Lace gives him her rose: “Thanks for ‘Grace-ing’ me with your presence.”

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Pls stop trying to make “Grace” happen.

Dick Pastor Evan’s confessional: “I’ve gotten a bunch of little sisters here that I’m very protective over. I somehow always get stuck in this self-assigned protector role.”

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I self-assign most of the roles I take on in life. People are hesitant at first but once I assign myself, you bet I’m sticking around!

Josh kisses Amanda in the rose ceremony. Nick: “The whole PDA is aggressive and Josh is a bit of an overbearing guy. When you really pay attention to what Josh says, it seems disingenuous.”

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The part where she handed him a rose and he peed on her was also had aggressive territorial undertones…

Sarah gives rose to Damn Daniel. AW!!!

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Carly gives her rose to Evan. Carly: “Evan definitely knows that this is definitely a platonic rose. I think.”

Evan: “I’ve got a new lease on love and I haven’t closed the door on Carly.”

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And I’m gonna squat the hell out of it!

Has he ever closed a SINGLE fucking door in his life?!

Evan: “She may have closed the door on me but accidentally forgot to lock it so maybe I can sneak back in.”

I thought her not triple-locking the door made it consensual!

Dud Brandon: “[Haley’s] gonna give me the rose and we’re going to continue our relationship that we’ve begun. And she seems like she really wants the same thing for a future.”

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We both want me to date her and her sister interchangeably and speak in the most monotone manner possible about the dumbest shit.

Nope, nope, nope. Twin Haley: “Nick! You deserve to find love, will you accept this rose?

Is the Twin Package still in effect? Is that why she’s so cavalier with her rose? Beautiful Christian and Dud Brandon leave.

Time to tap out, C-Money.

Brandon: “Well, that was weird. It’s pretty confusing to be honest. She gave me all the signals that were there that she was feeling it.”

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All the signals were there. She was physically present. She was communicating verbally in my vicinity. I mean, what gives?

Dick Pastor Evan toasts: “To the pursuit of love, and all of its twists and turns. Heart emoji.”

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K, now Carly and I are Throw-up Eskimo Sisters.

Thanks for doing what the producers asked you to, once again.

Asshole Josh shit-talks Vile Nick Viall in his confessional: “The little fucker put me in a bad mood.”

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The Next Day…

Vile Nick Viall works out to prepare for his continuing journey to find love. I think we’re meant to believe that he’s an underdog.

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Maybe if I lift this rock a FEW more times someone will love me.

Nick bitches about Amanda and Josh’s PDA again, comparing it to couples groping each other in middle school. He doesn’t get why Josh is bear-hugging Amanda in a “99 degree room.”

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We get it, you didn’t get laid until very late in life.

Caila Enters Paradise

They play royal princess music as Caila walks in. I’m glad we get musical cues on each entrance to know how to feel emotionally about the Contestant right off the bat.

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The guys all scream: “It’s Caila!” “Caila!” “Caila!!”

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Jorge: “Oh this just got good.”

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Caila, no one knows why Delicate Ben called you a sex panther and it still doesn’t fit.

Caila interviews the guys. She tells Nick she decided to come “two days ago” which feels unlikely. Jared brainstorms whom she’ll ask out and Sarah suggests him.

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She could easily pick one of the other guys… Or Evan…

It’s good to have a little sexism and racism mixed into your personality, ya know? Stay humble.

Twin Emily: “She has the most perfect hair. Perfect body. There’s literally nothing wrong with her.” She’s very perturbed that someone is on BIP who is actually a great person to date and not a deeply flawed human being.

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All of her physical attributes are great. There’s literally nothing wrong with this woman.

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^^^Everything wrong with humanity???^^^

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I must find flaws in her to feel better about myself ASAP. Does not compute!!!!!

Twin Emily: “She comes off as perfect. Sometimes it comes off as condescending. I don’t know. What does condescending mean?”

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I don’t know. Can you just read me the fucking line again?

Carly: “I spent the entire summer with Jared and his face has not lit up like it did with Caila ever.”

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Caila: Dating in NY is hard.

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Are you saying this isn’t real life?

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Aka a really, really great reality TV show.

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Twin Emily: “Fuck.” Caila asks Jared on the date, he comes his pants, and says OK, one sec lemme talk to that one twin that’s gonna be butthurt about this.

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Ah yes, the classic Hail Mary boob fluffing.

Twin Emily: “I want you to go. Let’s just leave it at that.”

Jared: “You know how wonderful you are?”

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You’re like the perfect amount of wonderful that lets me see if I can trade up, ya know?

Twin Emily: “Obviously he wanted to go because he said yes.”

Twin Emily: “I’ve always kind of broken hearts. I’ve never been the one that’s heartbroken.”

Vile Nick Viall: “I have been dumped twice on national television. It’s OK to be hurt. It’s OK to not want him to have a good time on this date.”

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*Now it’s thrice, Nick.*

Twin Emily holds onto the only belief that gives her solace: “No one falls in love on a horse.”

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Yeah, let’s go with that.

Caila’s Date with Jared

They go horseback riding and it’s clearly not the boner-killer that Emily had been hoping for.

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Caila: “Jared looks so manly on the horse.”

Him? In his little boy tank top??

Let’s make these horses endure shit so we can look romantic!

Jared: “She’s looking at me with those big brown eyes and I’m like, ‘Oh, OK. Alllllrighty then.’”

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This is who Ashley I contemplates suicide daily for…

Back in Paradise…

Meanwhile, Damn Daniel puts water in Vinny’s belly button with a straw and then sucks it out. Damn Daniel is a precious gift and I… love… him? Is this Stockholm Syndrome?

Lace: “Grant and I have been like, a day one couple.”

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Grant and I have been a Day One Couple, you know, how Day One starts the day AFTER a person drunkenly hate-fucks Mad Chad all day.

Twin Emily is still upset and still really bitchy: “I’m like, prettier and I’m just as sweet.”

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Twin Emily: “I wonder if I’m the better kisser. She has fat lips though so she’s probably better.”

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I’m like way prettier than Caila, just as sweet, less of a fake pageant b, don’t have those fat lips, AND have a GOOD heart, why can’t Jared see that?

Caila and Jared return. Dick Pastor Evan tries to break the awkward tension of them ignoring Twin Emily by offering, “Chicken tenders?”

Twin Emily: “For once I just want someone to pick me.”

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Even though I recently went on and on about how I’ve always dumped people and never been broken up with.

Jared pulls Twin Emily aside and sets up this conversation like he’s going to pick her.

I really, really, really like you.

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For instance, no girl I’m dating has ever shown me her scoliosis hump before.

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Twin Emily’s confessional: “I feel like an idiot. Because I care.”

Emily: “I don’t want to cry because I, like look cute right now.”

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Twin Emily’s got great faces. “I don’t get why people don’t like me. I feel like everyone always gets what they want and I never do.”

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“I always meet great guys and like, they always pick someone else and they’re always uglier than me. So there must be something wrong with me.”

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What COULD it be???

The First Double Date in Paradise History

The self-proclaimed “Fantastic Four” of Crazy Lace, Firefighter Grant, Onesie Izzy, and Barber Vinny go out to dinner. Izzy: “Cheers to a really fun night and making history!”

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So glad to be part of this historical moment.

At dinner the Fantastic Four do what all couples do when they’ve been dating two days and start giving long, gushing speeches about their relationships.

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Maybe it was your hair. Maybe it was your lash extensions. Maybe it was the aggressive look in your eye as you punched Mad Chad’s dick and then made out with him.

Lace says the weirdest shit of the night to Vizzy: “I love watching you guys together.”

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And we’re OK if you want to watch us together too. We’re into that. All Day One Couples should share our special bond.

Izzy pulls out a line she’s been practicing for two days: “I’m totally in it to Vin it.”

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Can Bachelor Nation vote to kick off one couple? Ugh.

Vinny: “We could have a two-for-one-wedding.”

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If ABC’s paying, you KNOW I’m not above that…

Meanwhile, Back in Paradise…

Carly and Sarah have realized that they don’t need a date card to have a double date so they invite Damn Daniel and Dick Pastor Evan to their “apartment party”. They make a drinking game around Damn Danielisms which I will now be playing each BIP episode.

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Damn Daniel does push-ups with Sarah on his back.

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Dick Pastor Evan voluntarily sets himself up for failure and tries to do push-ups with Carly on his back.

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Carly also has great faces and is one of my favorite BIP narrators: “Maybe we don’t put ourselves in that position?”

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Carly: “Evan is so nice but he has no swag.” Damn Daniel tries to get them to hook up despite the swaglessness.

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Carly: “Sometimes I’m incredibly creeped out by that man. And sometimes I really like him.”

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Sometimes I’m incredibly creeped out by that man. And then sometimes, I’m drunk.

Dick Pastor Evan tries to kiss Carly again as he drunkenly stumbles down to his room of sadness.

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Evan: “There’s relationships happening and here I am alone.”

Evan is so drunk he can’t wake up.

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Of course they go get Carly…

He tried and failed to kiss me which automatically makes me his Paradise emergency contact?

The MEDIC asks Carly to lay next to Dick Pastor Evan for observation.

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There are very strict rules about this. If someone he’s romantically interested in doesn’t lay right next to him rn he could DIE.

Apparently Dick Pastor Evan has felt loopy all day because of his “ankle medication.” I wonder if it’s from tripping when he returned Amanda to Josh.

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Wait… stop… don’t…

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Carly: “I don’t know if Evan is faking but this is the most extreme anyone has gone for my affection.”

Back at Da Club…

The Fantastic Four are getting wasted.

HURRY! If we sober up we might realize none of us are actually into each other and we’re faking relationships to stay on a televised vacation!!!

Foam spills from the ceiling.

I’m the first girl to come out of the limo in a onesie AND first double date in Paradise?! Sorry I’m NOT SORRY, record books!!!!!!

Time to put out the foam fire in my pants!

Then there’s some sort of Magic Mike performance.

Grant is way too familiar with this choreography… Is he a firefighter stripper?!

Lace: “I’m laying on a floor in a Mexican bar with a man’s crotch in my face, like, humping it. ”

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A random girl pours a bucket of ice water on Izzy as the guys are doing body shots off them.

Do you even KNOW what kind of important historical figure you just MESSED WITH?!

Back in Paradise Lonely Sad Sack Vile Nick Viall’s Sad Beach…

Vile Nick Viall looks out on an ocean as dark as his romantic past, wondering why he can’t find love.

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Yep, Amanda had nothing to do with it.

We intercut his bitching and moaning with Sexy-Baby-Voiced-Amanda’s moaning in bed with Asshole Josh.

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We get B-roll of metaphors for banging out. Flowers blooming imagery. Train going into a tunnel imagery. Water splashing on a rock. A gushing fountain. Fireworks exploding.

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Bachelor Nation are you getting that Josh and Amanda are fucking while Nick has NO ONE??? Do you need one more? Yeah, you do.

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How about this for a last shot?

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JK suckers you get two more!!!

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Horrifying.

The Next Day

Josh drops a bagel on his hard-working dick.

He then asks Amanda to wipe it off.

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You– whatever your name is– “placid O-face”– take that off!

Suddenly, there’s horror music as…

Ashley I. Joins Paradise

Ashley I: “I’m baaaaaaackkkk!”

Tag: The Contestants meet an iguana and someone asks, “Do you think it speaks Mexican?”

Que mierda paso?

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 3

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 2

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 1

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