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February 27, 2015
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Benedict Cumberbatch did not win an Oscar last night. However, it appears he wrote an acceptance speech just in case, because we found it discarded in the bathroom of an In-N-Out Burger. Below is the text of his speech.

(Scroll below for transcription.)


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How unexpected. How divine.

Although my face may be frozen in a pursed-lip leer, I assure you I am “happy" at this moment. Indeed, my loins quiver with contentment. Later tonight, I will purr with the fervor of a spoiled tabby who just ensnared a fat, sickened mouse.

Thank you to the director, for refraining from eye contact and for understanding that at no point during production do I ever need to know his or her name.

To the screenwriter: Thank you for providing strings of childish words for me to elevate to high art.

I would like to thank my new wife, whom I stare at for hours as she sleeps. She has never seen me in the daylight, and she never will.

Many thanks to my only friends, Fitzhume Blundersnatch, Chesterfield Boudlerbee, and Fopsy The Deaf And Blind Rabbit, whom I keep in a cold and dark trunk in the corner of my study.
Thank you to the Academy, you magnificent hoard of wine depositories and tawdry snobgoblins. You bathe in unadulterated excess, and towel off in frivolous strokes of the ego.

You are all the royal counsel for the emperor with no clothes, and I am he; naked, alone, and paraded before the masses as a distraction from their dreary lives that will one day come to a horrific end, unlike mine.

Immortality is my truest talent and my greatest curse. For hundreds of years I’ve watched your species grow in size and ignorance, and for hundreds more I’ll watch you swallow up the Earth and black out the heavens.

Thank you again for the Oscar. I’m half-snake.

(walk off stage)

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