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September 27, 2008


As many of you know, my wife an I are expecting. She is due on October 22nd, so she is quite pregnant.

There are things people assume to be okay when they are dealing with a pregnant woman, which in reality are not so much.

Here are a few:

1. If you don't even know our last name, don't touch my wife's belly. Neither of us have attempted to touch yours, and we expect the same courtesy. The fact that her belly is a bit rounder than most does not excuse anyone from this rule. (also, if you are a total stranger, it would probably be best not to touch us at all, unless you are okay with your impending beat-down, or if you are an exceptionally attractive woman, in which case you can do whatever you want.)

2. If you do not share the same last name as us, do not attempt to kiss my wife's belly. (unless, of course, you are an exceptionally attractive woman....).

3. If somehow you have gotten the name of our upcoming baby out of us, it is not okay to offer your opinion about our baby's name. The name a couple has decided to give their child is not a decision that comes without care, and is certainly an occasion for the old saying "If you have nothing nice to say........". Insulting a baby's name is about as rude as walking up to someone and saying "that baby is really, really ugly". How about if you fuck off? Guess what? Your name sucks, too, motherfucker.( Even exceptionally attractive women must follow this rule).

One more thing.

I may have developed what I affectionately call my "sympathy belly". My wife calls it "baby number two". I eat, after all, with my wife, and I'll be damned if somebody's gonna eat fried chicken and ice cream without me, even if it is 3 o'clock in the morning. Please spare me the "How far along are you, Matt?" jokes. I have heard them by now, believe me.

Anyway, I don't mean to sound bitter. It is really a joyful time. It's just that the things people do and say baffle me.