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January 13, 2015
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J.K. Rowling hurt Rupert Murdoch's feelings, so he's writing his own, conservative version of Harry Potter. (Draco Malfoy's a good guy.)

After Fox News mogul Rupert Murdoch tweeted that all Muslims should condemn the terrorist attacks in Paris, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling tweeted in response, “I was born Christian. If that makes Rupert Murdoch my responsibility, I’ll auto-excommunicate.”

Rupert Murdoch has two small daughters and many grandchildren, so he can’t just cut the Harry Potter books out of his life, no matter how cruelly their author hurts his feelings. However, he can pay off the world’s copyright attorneys so he can publish his own version more in line with his values. Here it is.


Harry Potter and the Liberal Menace

Harry Potter smiled as he arrived for a new year at Hogwarts Academy of Witchcraft and Balance. He was the best wizard in his year, and also one of the richest, thanks to a legacy from his dead parents that was generous but not as big as everyone said, really he had done most of the work of growing his fortune himself.

He hurried toward his best friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, who had just disembarked from the Hogwarts Express, which was 300 private jets and not a train because trains are socialist. The students who could not afford their own jet had to take the bus, which they deserved for not magicking themselves up by their bootstraps.

“Hello, Harry,” Hermione said breathlessly. “Did you hear?”

“What?” said Harry.

“There’s been another giant attack,” said Ron.

Extremist giants had been attacking the castle lately. This was because they hated freedom.

“Do you think we ought to try to talk to them?” said Hermione. “Maybe these attacks are partially the fault of us humans for driving them off their land and discriminating against them.”

Harry and Ron shook their heads at each other. Hermione could be as much of a freedom-hating wench as Rachel Maddow, but they forgave her because she was as beautiful as Rachel Maddow.

“You ought to publicly condemn the giant attacks, Hagrid,” Harry said sternly. (Hagrid, who was a giant but a relatively clean and articulate one, was also there.)

“Why?” Hagrid said. “I didn’ attack anyone.”

“No, but there’s an epidemic of violence in the giant community,” Harry said. “Until your community addresses the growing cancer of giantist violence, you all must be held responsible.”

Hagrid saw the truth of this and was ashamed. “Yer right,” he said, and converted to Christianity smallness.

After that, wizard school continued normally with magic classes and spell breakfasts and wizard church. Headmaster Dumbledore was absent due to his honeymoon with recent Hogwarts graduate Cho Chang, which everyone was agreed was a normal relationship with an age difference that was fine. Then one day, Harry and his friends were taking a break between potions class and bible study to do a spell that would make them more respectful of the greatest generation when a voice drawled, “Hello, Potter.”

Harry turned to find Draco Malfoy standing behind him. Malfoy was from an old, wealthy wizarding family that despised wizards who were the first generation immigrants from the muggle world. Naturally he and Harry were great friends.

“What is it?” said Harry as he and Malfoy were hugging in a manly way.

“It’s the giants,” Malfoy said. “They’re attacking again. Attacking our way of life.”

Sure enough, Harry could hear distant crashes in the forest, and booming voices calling out, “Happy holidays … happy holidays…”

“My God,” Harry said. “It’s a war on Christmas.”

Harry looked at Hermione’s beautiful worried face, her close-cropped hair shining in the sun, her glasses frames dark as night, her suit jacket accentuating her alluring corners. He couldn’t let anything happen to her, or to the other one (Ron).

So Harry gathered all his most trusted friends from Young Magic Republicans and marched against the giant menace. They were armed with brave hearts, strong wands, and a bunch of guns. They shot all the giants, which the giants totally deserved and was fine because the wizards were standing their ground. Then Voldemort showed up and they shot him too. Then they did a bunch of spells because they realized they hadn’t done that much of that. Then Harry kissed Hermione, who suddenly realized that she was not a lesbian and was very attracted to Harry’s small bald Australian looks.

THE END.

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