HI! I’M DR. SEX MAN!
I’ve been provided a column to answer all of your, ah, your sex questions, which I’m really excited to do. The questions below have been provided by actual readers. If we didn’t get to yours in this round, stay tuned, and as always, keep the questions coming to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dear Dr. Sex Man,
I adore my boyfriend, but whenever he goes “downtown,” if you know what I mean, he seems a little lost and confused, and my mind starts to wander more toward ‘should I start washing the dishes tonight or can I leave them until tomorrow?’ What can I do to help him on his way a bit?
— Pantieless from Portland
Okay, wow, so you are a woman and you aren’t wearing panties, and you are writing to me. Holy crap, that’s great. And you have a boyfriend, too? Great. Are you wearing pants, or just crotchless? Sorry that’s insensitive and none of my business.
First off, I would just do the dishes first. You’re going to think about them no matter how much pleasure you are having, because, let’s face it, they ain’t going anywhere!
So the dishes are done, you’re on a bed, or on the floor, maybe, and your guy is going “downtown,” you know, um, licking your vagina with the goal of inducing pleasure, and you are not into it. How is he blowing it? Sometimes I blow it by just drooling and coughing a whole ton. Sometimes I’m all lips and forget to use my tongue at all. Also sometimes I have bad breath and I worry that you’ll be able to sense my bad breath through your vagina and you’ll be turned off. Is that a thing? Also, once, when I had a cold, I wasn’t thinking and I blew my nose into a woman’s vaginal hole. What’s weird is that she liked it, but I couldn’t repeat it and I just ended up making a bunch of honking noises.
Sorry, so, you want to help him out. Personally, I like it a lot when a woman tells me what to do, because then there’s less a chance of me blowing it. Tell him what you like and what you don’t like. Say, “Do that more,” or, “Move over there,” or, “Try that. Yeah, like that.“ Just don’t scream those commands or say them in a deep man voice. That will scare a man right out of your vagina, and you’ll blow it. I’ve done that before, but, you know, in reverse. I screamed “TOO TOOTHY” once and before I knew it, I was alone in my room, staring at my plant, boxer brief–less and without pants on, too.
Dear Dr. Sex Man,
I want to ask my partner if he would be into me fucking him. What’s a good way to go about that?
— Strap-On Sally from Lawrence, KS
Heh heh, oh jeeze. Wow. That’s a loaded one. There’s A LOT GOING ON in this question. So, you, um, you want to, uh, “fuck,“ your man? And I take it from your name, Strap-On Sally, you are a girl? So to, uh, fuck your man you would, um, holy crap, you would put a short stick, or dildo, up his, um, you know, his butt? Wow.
But your question is how to ask your partner for permission to do this? Okay, well, I don’t have any experience in this, but I guess I would try and be honest. First I would sit him down and say, "I like sex, but I would rather do sex to you, and mainly to your butt.” Then I guess I would say, “I want to explore your, um, your butt, with, you know, a long, penis-shaped device that I would buy or fashion out of what’s lying around the house.” Then I would pick up a, um, I don’t know, say you have a long candle sitting there, I would pick up the candle and say, “Like, take this candle. I promise I won’t light the candle, but I would like to pretend this candle is a, you know, a big long penis, and I would like to kind of push it in and out of your butt, if that’s okay. I don’t know for how long … um, until something happens, I guess. Maybe until the candle melts?”
You know what, it’s starting to feel like I would blow this conversation. Maybe just get him drunk, throw the fake penis on, and say, “Is this gonna happen or what?” Holy crap, that sounds bad, too. Good luck.
Dear Dr. Sex Man,
When I’m having sex with my boyfriend, he says he wants me to moan more … Be louder … But I don’t feel comfortable … Or sexy … Being loud … What do you think? Should I just let it all out like he wants and risk feeling stupid?
— Whispering in Wisconsin
Whoa, okay, so I think that’s great. You are having sex already, and now it’s just about tweaks. Well, I say let it out. It just depends what you are moaning. Whatever you do, don’t loudly moan the following words or phrases while you are, you know, having sex (trust me):
“Frog people, froooooog people.”
“Tooo muchhhhhh sooooouuup.”
“Buckets of belts and plenty of welts.”
“2003 Mitsubishi Ecccccclipse.”
“Is this an Eye Store?”
“Burgle me. Burgle meeeee.”