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February 12, 2016
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Google Cars count as drivers, which is why I'm not responsible for the damage done to the roof of your home.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration recently released a letter on their website that interprets the “driver in context of Google’s described motor vehicle design as referring to the SDS [self-driving system], and not to any of the vehicle occupants.” Basically meaning that any accident that is the fault of a Google self-driving car is not the fault of the human occupant of the car, but the computer systems that operate the car, I.E. The car itself. Which explains why last Thursday I did not make the jump that caved the roof of your house in with a car Stacey.

Let me explain. I bought a Google Smart Car after our breakup, thinking that some retail therapy would help to heal the open wound that was my heart. Little did I know that this Google Smart Car was so smart that it would take my heartbreak into its own hands, and attempt to get us back together like some sort of 80s movie come to life.

Even though I was upset that we broke up, I’m not crazy, and would never think that the only way to get you back was to set up a gigantic ramp in the middle of the night, and then the next morning don a leather jacket, cape, and Evel Kenevil helmet, and then attempt to clear your house in a death defying jump. That was clearly the cars idea, and it looks like The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration agrees with me.

Obviously we can let the courts decide, but it seems to me that the Federal Government has determined that the car is the one who is solely responsible for attaching Roman candles to the back of itself, and then doing donuts in the front yard of your home while slamming the horn to make you come outside, so you could watch as it, at speeds of upwards of 60 MPH, heroically attempted to clear the fifty foot gap that is your house.

Why would the car do this? Who knows. We can’t pretend to understand AI. I would venture to say that the Google Smart Car learned what friends are, and decided that I was its friend. Then in a rash, and admittedly irresponsible lapse in judgement, the Google Smart Car decided to build a ramp in front of your home, and jump it, thinking that you would be wooed by the stunt, and kiss me long and deep on the mouth after I ripped my helmet off. Clearly this car has some serious emotional problems.

But we can’t blame the car, considering it’s still learning the complexity of human emotion, and that love is not based off of the successful completion of what you have to admit would have been a really sick stunt, had the car not caved your house in.

So I’m writing this to let you know that you can officially send the expenses for all damages, both emotional, and physical to Google. And maybe we can just grab a coffee some time?

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