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June 25, 2014

John Boehner plans to sue President Barack Obama.

Washington– House Speaker John Boehner Wednesday told reporters that he plans to sue President Barack Obama over absolutely nothing.

“I’m in it to win it,” the Speaker said when asked about the potential lawsuit.

“You know the constitution makes it clear that I have freedom of speech so I’m just going to continue talking to anyone who will listen,” Boehner stated to a GIF of Ronald Reagan.

The Speaker denied that the lawsuit sprung from secretly racist Republicans.

“This is about me making sure I have as much attention as I can possibly get. Someone’s got a birthday coming up and if you look back over her 235 year history, there have been very few powerful men from Ohio with this good a tan. In the past 5 years, Obama’s natural caramel smooth skin, due to his African heritage, rivals that.

Republicans, looking to procrastinate on real issues, argue that the President is breaching his constitutional power in some way that a fancy lawyer could figure out. By ignoring crazy, old men in Congress, Obama has used executive actions as a way to bypass a deeply divided Congress. Granted, most of the divide stems from men who believe dinosaurs didn’t exist because they aren’t in the Bible, but YOLO. Republicans are over Obama ignoring them because they’re trying to block his legislation. Also, can he please fix those grey hairs, like who is he trying to be, George Clooney?

So far, the Republican-controlled House passed two bills aimed at curbing executive orders by the President, which is a really big deal. Do you know how hard it is to get closeted gays in the same room as Nancy Pelosi?

House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi Wednesday said this lawsuit is “a joke and a half” and that Republicans in Congress are “lazier than Rob Kardashian” and “can someone remind them this is a paying job.”

Pelosi said the House GOP effort to challenge the Defense of Marriage Act in court wasted $2.3 million in taxpayer money, and said “here we go again” as she rolled her eyes so far back into her head, staffers had to call for professional help.

Obama has used his executive authority to push through a number of issues that actually help a lot of people in this country. Most recently, he directed the Department of Labor to extend family leave to same-sex couples, which was a little show-boaty. Previously, he raised the minimum wage so people making minimum wage could buy more weed. He also halted deportations for many children in the United States illegally, which was nice because someone has to mow rich people’s lawns.

House Republicans have been pushing for months for top GOP leaders to file a lawsuit. In fact, they dubbed “Wrecking Ball” as their theme song. They claimed to be unaware of the music video.

Conservative Republicans are super annoyed that the President has overstepped his authority – mostly by the fact that he is President. They cited the series of changes that Obama has made on his own to twerk tweak Obamacare. Sidenote: their deadbeat sons are really stoked about staying on their father’s insurance plans until they’re 26.

Congressional Republicans, fueled by anger from their grassroots supporters of people who literally plant grass, were really confused when the President said in January that he had a “pen and a phone” and would take action on key priorities if Congress failed to do anything. “Dumbass,” said Vicki Hartzler (R, Missouri), “you can’t write on a phone”.

Boehner could convene a Bipartisan Legal Advisory Group – something he did in 2011 when the White House told Congress this whole anti-gay thing is really getting old.

Since there isn’t much time left before Congress heads out for recess, which is what they’ve been referring to their current term as, the lawsuit is not expected to be filed until next month depending on Republican’s vacation schedules. Boehner also plans on getting “super wasted” at his annual Party in the USA and “would need a few days or weeks to recover”.

Boehner spent Tuesday with his rival and coincidently golf buddy, BO and Joey B, where they took a selfie and filtered it with X-Pro II. The mood was pretty casual, but Boehner was POed after Biden beat him in a chugging contest.

Obama joked: “Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”

Commissioner Tim Finchem jokingly said that he’s been keeping track of who laughs at the President’s golf jokes. Boehner, due to recent botox injections, is unable to laugh.

“I caught a glimmer of approval in his eye,” remarked the President on Boehner’s reaction to his recent golf joke.

BREAKING NEWS: a house intern from Florida googled Obama’s joke and found out it was a quote by Tiger Woods. Republicans are now referring to Obama as a womanizer and anti-Christian.

This is a parody of a recent CNN.com article entitled “Boehner Plans Lawsuit against Obama Over Executive Order”.