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June 20, 2017
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Wait 'til you hear how Iggy supplements his workouts; Eric would not approve.

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I dunno…ARE we the same guy?

After a brief hiatus for basketball last week we are back with a new episode of The Bachelorette. Lots of drama in the beginning and end of this episode, mostly around Kenny and Lee.

It’s been a while so let’s start with a refresher.


Previously on The Bachelorette…

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MOUUUUUUUU–

1) –UUUUTH!

Eric lets everyone know they can do them because he’s going to do him. One day I want one of these contestants to say “You do you and I’m gonna do John Wick.” This was set up to be a big cliffhanger after last episode so of course it’s instantly diffused at the start of this episode. Classic bach-and-switch!

2) Lee Snekman

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“I showed you mine now you show me yours.”

Lee, like a SNEK, has come from out of nowhere to become the least likable person in any room, including my own living room.

He interrupts Kenny’s sit down with Rachel to show her his knife and a block of wood into which he carved “ENCHANTING.”

The carving is so bad the producers don’t show it on TV.

Dean straight up implies he’s a racist and when the producers ask what he means…

Oh, we do.

It’s the closest you can get to calling someone a racist on this show.

Regardless, Lee is definitely harboring some level of either creep or douche. It’s hard to tell at this point.

3) The Land of Make Brylieve

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*TOOTH GLARE INTENSIFIES*

Bryan can’t worry about drama, meanwhile, because he has a game to play woman’s heart to win.

Rachel says she’s scared by how charming he is, and that it’s not real. Bryan responds by saying it’s all a fairy tale - you know, those make believe stories?

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“Wait, so if it’s a fairy tale it’s all made up?”

4) Illegal Tag

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“The ref didn’t see it so your tag in didn’t count!”

Kenny pulls Lee aside to talk about how Lee illegally tagged himself in to Kenny’s private time with Rachel earlier. Kenny accuses Lee of snekkin’ around and taking advantage of Kenny’s friendship. Lee denies it and is technically right - I doubt he’d ever be friends with a black man.

Rachel hears all this during her one-on-one and immediately ignores Bryce who must have been super engaging; i know when I’m locked into a great conversation I’m paying attention to what’s happening in another room.

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IZ DRAMAZ?

Lee’s argument for interrupting Kenny basically amounts to “huh duh buh duh,” and Kenny walks off. Lee, being the nice guy he swears he is, then supervillain monologizes that Kenny’s “f*cking going home.” So he’s definitely a racist right?

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Right.

5) Under Pressure

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TFW all your choices are tens but act like seven…years old.

Rachel, upset by the drama, doesn’t want to talk about how much pressure there is being a black woman on “The Bachelorette,” so she talks about how much pressure there is being a black woman on “The Bachelorette.” She’s not wrong though!

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“I’ll cut them all with Lee’s knife Rachel I’d do it for you I swear to God.”

Chris Harrison steps in to “facilitate anything” for Rachel which sounds like an offer to murder one of the contestants or possibly insert himself in the game? Hard to say.

The best way to do this?

6) Suprose!!

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“One of you will be going home tonight. And by one I mean three.”

Props to Rachel for cutting through the boy bullshit and dropping the hammer. Lots of guys move forward not because of what they do but what they don’t do.

Kenny gets a rose which makes sense and Lee gets what I like to call the “producer’s rose.”

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Lee’s rose trying to sneak away before Rachel gives it to him.

So! Just to recap this here…Rachel calls an emergency rose ceremony because she’s sick of the drama from the boys. Then she keeps all the drama boys and eliminates Bryce, Brady, and Diggy - the least dramatic guys. It’s like trying to fix the brakes on your car by removing the hood.

I will miss Diggy and the way he would analyze the game in his pre-ceremony talking heads like he was also watching on TV. Great news, now he will be!

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“We’re gonna live forever!”

While Diggy cries outside in his talking head everyone else sips champagne like this is The Hunger Games. With the way these guys act it’s more like The Thirsty Games RIGHT? Ha ha I am talking to my computer screen all alone.

7) Saw The Lights Of The Goodyear Blimp

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I spell my name Ahrrrrr Ayyyyyee Seaaaaaa…

All this eliminating makes the contestants tired so it’s time for a little RnR on Hilton Head Island, everyone’s aunt’s favorite getaway. No time to enjoy the alligators though as the Dread Pirate Rachel sends a date card demanding the head of presence of Dean.

The two have a champagne date on the hood of their rental Jeep until they see the lights of the Goodyear Blimp, and it says “Ice Cube’s Ride Is Here.”

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OH THE HUMANITY

Ice Cube would have been a better choice for this date because Dean is WORTHLESS in the air. He is terrified of this blimp, shivering like a dog in a thundershirt. Rachel, meanwhile, hangs with the pilot and has a blast. Have they ever swapped in a contestant midway through the show? “Blimp Pilot” is hard to beat as a job description; much better than “Aspiring Drummer.”

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Hot Blimp Action

Dean overcomes his Fear of Blimp and love wins the day as the two make out in the back of the blimp.

8) We Go Deep(er)

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These lamps were grown without pesticides.

Dean and Rachel have a romantic dinner under some South Carolina weeping string light trees. They talk about their childhoods which both sound pretty structured and normal. If I were on a one-on-one I’d probably get eliminated by the time I got to “well, we got evicted but that was AFTER my mom stole my credit cards and maxed them out.”

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Dean opens up about his mom passing away from cancer and how things fell apart shortly after that. Now THIS is a show that sounds like my family!

After their date the pair enjoys a special concert from Russell Dickerson, a name that sounds like an insult.

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No, YOU’RE a Russell Dickerson!

9) I’m On A Boat!

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…and dieeee behind the wheel

Back from break and Rachel invites out the rest of the field for a group date on a boat called The Vagabond. That sounds like a Steely Dan lyric but it’s not.

The boys show their thanks by forming a dance line to rock out in time to a song the producers forgot to include to the audio mix in post.

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Everything Jonathan does looks pervy.

Cap'n Rachel and her first mate A. Daiquiri demand shirtless men and pushup contests so guess what. That’s right - rap battle instead! We get Kenny spitting 16 bars and he’s pretty good! Then it’s Peter’s turn and he ends his rhyme by saying Rachel is “a girl from the hood.”

Maybe I’m a little woke from all the racist talk earlier in the episode but…girl from the hood? We all remember her dad’s a judge right?

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“Girl from the hood.”

10) Bee Stung

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“Your word is…eliminated.”

After boat drinks Rachel surprises the boys with a spelling bee. Not watching one, but BEEing in one! The boys are definitely not happy with this. Shirtless dance rap battles over sugar drinks on a moving vehicle? Where do I sign up. Spelling those words though? Where do I sign down.

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Iggy loses the contest before it even begins.

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Presiding over the contest are Dani, Pearl, and Josie, one of whom is also your next Bachelorette 4 Kidz.

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First eliminated from the Royal Bumble is Kenny. To be fair it’s hard to spell with champagne in your mouth.

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“Hey the guy in this trophy looks like me!”

After a hard fought battle with spelling Josiah comes out on top with “polyamorous.” Wonder how many families watching at home had a fun talk with their kids about that one.

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“Did someone say ‘polyamorous’?”

11) One on One on One on One on One…

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After a day of drinking in the sun, everyone unwinds by drinking indoors.

That night everyone relaxes at the South Carolina Yacht Club, a phrase that gave me douche hives just to type.

Peter pulls Rachel away for some alone time. These two seem to really enjoy making out on camera each other’s company.

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“If I had more buttons they would be buttoned.”

Eric buttons his polo all the way to the top which tells you how relaxed he is.

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Iggy searched the pockets of his bomber jacket but couldn’t find a clue.

Iggy uses this time to…talk about other contestants. Dumbass. Are you trying to get with Rachel or are you a private date consultant?
This leads to a standoff between Josiah and Iggy and Josiah tells us all at home that Iggy shoots steroids IN. HIS. NUTS.

“He shoots steroids in his nuts” is the new “he’s here for the wrong reasons.”

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IS IT HOT IN HERE OR IS IT JUST YOU HAHA WHAT I DON’T THINK I’M SHOUTING WHY

Back to Lee who’s cocaine-sweat-excited to talk shit on Kenny. Lee talks like a supervillain ALL. THE. TIME. Snekman!

12) Do A Dab On ‘Em

Josiah was drunk most of this episode right?

13) The Following Bach Is Scheduled For One Fall

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TFW you see yourself beating the crap out of a guy very soon.

Kenny and Rachel sit down and Kenny spits some more bars. Rachel, in turn, spits some questions about what happened before our earlier rose ceremony. Rachel tells Kenny Lee found him “aggressive” and Kenny gives us a “not the first time a white dude called me aggressive face.”

Kenny admits to losing his temper, LIKE A MAN, and finally tells Rachel that Lee miiiiiiight be a liar.

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“Coming down the aisle, from Las Vegas, Nevada, the Pretty Boy Pit Bull…”

After calling Lee an “alternative facts piece of garbage” Kenny decides he’s going to start some shit and asks Lee to step outside. What’s outside?

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Another classic bach-and-switch!


I’m nervous to see Kenny let Lee get under his skin. We are focusing on them so much that I’m worried we are gonna lose him next week. Iggy continues to be a drama queen who’s here to shoot steroids in his nuts, Josiah jumped out this episode as well, but Will is starting to look like the low-key favorite to win. He and Peter seem to be faring the best; Dean did well tonight but he’s, like, eight years old.

We are back next week with one night of drama extended over two nights! Until then don’t shoot steroids in your nuts.

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