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February 03, 2017
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Green card or not, pizza will not be deported.

America has had a rough go of it lately. The most vulnerable among us are being targeted by an administration seemingly hell-bent on inflicting pain against them for no discernible reason, and we are stirring up trouble abroad with short-sighted decisions. But on the other hand, pizza is delicious, and we have thousands of places dedicated to making it!

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We are in no danger of running out of dough. That’s not nothing.

While it’s true that the recent Muslim ban goes against the very principles of religious liberty our government was founded on, one thing that remains unchanged is that you can get a slice pretty much anytime you want. These days, most pizza joints will deliver right to your house, so you don’t even have to change out of your sweatpants or make an effort to look presentable. Based on this admittedly narrow criteria, we are actually doing great. It’s about perspective.

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Even people who request sun-dried tomatoes on their pie will never be turned away at the airport’s California Pizza Kitchen. That’s what this country is all about: The freedom to choose what kind of pizza you want your tears to cascade onto when being informed your Somali grandmother can’t come to your wedding because the president has a baseless hunch she’s up to no good.

The best is when they sprinkle poppy seeds on the crust. Yum!

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The bottom line is America is crushing it, pizza-wise. It’s probably best for your mental well-being to just focus on that instead of worrying about whether your family will have healthcare next year. Maybe if you eat enough pizza, you won’t get sick. So instead of worrying your pretty little head about the frightening pace at which our civil liberties are being decimated by nihilists, just head on down to Gino’s and grab a slice. They’re doing a new wood-fired pie we hear is out of this world.

No American will ever be denied the right to choose pepperoni while driving out of state to get an abortion. That is not who we are.

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Green card or not, pizza will not be deported. Those beauties are staying right here! We value its contribution to our diet and would never denigrate the entire dish because of a few bad slices. All it wants is to be a contributing member of the food pyramid, and who can’t empathize with that? Ditto garlic knots. That’s a commonsense policy we can all get behind while being degraded by our own government.

Pizza is very good.

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